Well kids, unless I am REALLY drawn to write again, this could very well be the last blog of blcinscotland...it has been a wild, thought-provoking, growth-filled, experiential, massive, spiritual, heartfelt, comfort zone expanding, kick ass time. I won't even try to sum it up here and now because then what would be the point of this blog for the last three months. It is the second to last night and almost all of my stuff is packed. I am just sitting at the computer, copying music for people, relaxing. Last night was a late one and tonight I need sleep. I have a few days of jet lag ahead of me. I can't believe it's time to go home. Although it does not feel like "yesterday" since I first came here, it does feel as though time warped in a very unique way. I can't believe I am going home in less than a week. I can't believe that my going home is also a sort of departure. I have definitely changed here...maybe it's not obvious, but it's very real to me.
Everyone has gone out and I am here all alone, testing out what it will be like at home. YIKES. I don't really look forward to too much time alone (who is this girl???) and I will be sad about not having a roommate (no, really, we better call a doctor!). I think for all the trials I had to go through in this community, it was worth it, because now I feel like I am ready to share my life with others. I think my willingness to partner has been really significant. I remember telling a friend of mine in Seattle that living here has made that a lot more accessible. I was in a very independent mindframe at home and being here with people all around, has definitely shifted that. That's quite a change for me. I'm not even sure what that will mean, and I can only find out after I get home and intentionally work to create that.
Speaking of intentionally creating...I'd love to start a writer's workshop...with open mics once a month...I think that will be really cool. I want to read and workshop my stuff in order to publish and if I can make it a group thing, I think it'll be a lot of fun. So many ideas, I don't know what to do with myself. At the moment, my only concern is getting home by the 10th.
Oh, that reminds me, it's a no go for the party on the 21st...I'll try to find another time that's better. Maybe after x-mas and before New year's. In any case, not going to worry about that now. Ha.

Okay, well I am signing off now...here I go...thanks to EVERYONE for reading and giving me feedback and being in my community...I am eager to see you all when I get home. Feel free to call me, or email, but also know that I will be recovering from jet lag a bit and might not leave my house (except for the much needed and well overdue haircut) for a few days...
That's it then. Here's to an awesome term in Scotland!

Good morning. It's 9:22am in Scotland. I woke up "late" this morning (8:30 is late for me here) and everyone else is still sleeping. The sun is shining in through the window. It's warm inside because our heaters are turned up pretty high (the walls are a little thicker than paper). It's Sunday.
I look around our Fungalow at our stuff strewn on the floors and furniture. Fabric for making clothes and patching pants, ecological textbooks, Let's Go Britain, chocolate wrappers, Halloween costumes, frisbee, CDs, scraps of paper with notes about travel, homework, and phone numbers of friends, handmade mugs from the pottery studio, clean and dirty laundry, and dinnerware from last night. If I had to sum up our experience, it would be in those items. My heart is trying to hold onto these images...because in less than a week, this place will change forever. This spiritual Brigadoon will disappear again. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time, but now that it's fast approaching, I am quickly preparing myself for the change that will happen. When I first read about coming home from Findhorn in the handbook, they called it "re-entry." I laughed because re-entry reminded me of astronauts coming back from space...and now I see why that is an appropriate term. I have been on another planet entirely, and coming back down to earth is such a strange idea. I don't want to point out the fact that this place is not as relevant as home, outside of here...because that's not the point at all. I do want to say that I have had a wonderful sample of what it's like to live in a totally different energy field for 3 months and the switch back into my previous one will be interesting. But I plan on bringing Findhorn with me. I plan on giving myself a spiritual tattoo to remind myself of this place, to keep this place in its sacredness, in my heart, mind, and body.

I'll never look at another potato the same way again. And I won't take for granted my hot water with plenty of pressure. And when someone compliments me, I won't shy away, silently disbelieving them. When I get home, I will submit pieces that I have written, knowing that I am an excellent writer. I will also begin to forgive myself, one day at a time...and I won't supress my anger to hide it from people. When I interact with people, I will always try to seek the truth in our interaction, even though sometimes it's uncomfortable. I also won't try to do everything on my own, with no help. I will start finding things to love about myself, and let the list grow and grow. When I get home, I won't let my prior physical or emotional pain keep me from being in my power. I'll also let my power come through more to get things done but I will also just be with my power and relax. I will let go of my fears of living with people, of being affected by people. I will get on my side first, and then try to look at conflict from that point of view, so as not to compromise myself. I will understand where other people are coming from, without having to always agree with them. I will fight for what I believe in because it IS important. I will seriously work on bringing humor and laughter to more people (ha, seriously!). I will let love heal me, even when it scares me shitless. I will also earn money doing what I love. And I will love doing what heals me.

I will let my experience at Findhorn stay out and not shove it into a photo album and a few memory boxes. I will talk about Findhorn like a good friend who is always with me in spirit, even if we are apart every once in a while. I will keep in touch with the people I have met and shared with here. I will come back to Findhorn whenever I can and keep up our connection.

Wooo! Last night (The Talent Extravaganza) was so awesome. Beth and I emceed and we were so awesome. The whole thing went off without a hitch and I really enjoyed doing it. I really like being on stage (there, I admitted it). A part of me has always resisted being on stage, thinking I can't do it, it's not for me, too forced, etc. But when I am out there, I feel good. I like the idea of being funny for people. I like when people tell me that my announcements are amusing...I don't even plan those! But I know there is something in the universe that is gently pushing me to comedy, to the stage, and I want to shyly honor that, and let myself have as much time as possible to move into that area of my life if that's where I'm to go. The Penny Cafe at home wants comedy and I think I can do that, rather than the seedy clubs around Seattle. I would like to do the comedy thing MY way and however that works, is fine with me. I don't have to perform for drunk people. I feel like doing comedy is also part of my power...fully stepping into that comedic voice...that is also the voice of the "cemented 2nd Chakra." It's a part of me that I really don't give FULL voice to. I am funny when I have to be, or at parties, but really, to use that tool more often, to get into deeper places inside, is really integral. I need to let it in when people compliment, telling me I'm funny, or better yet, laughing. I'm good. It's okay to own that.
So I felt really good after last night. And I actually felt like a true leader last night, stepping up into my light. And even when I try not to lead, somehow I end up doing it. If I can just accept that, and lead more willingly, I won't have such a hard time with it. Good to know all this before I get home, before I start working on my community.
Hmm. GOOD STUFF.
7 more days here. This has definitely been the best experience of my life. I am so eager to get back here, to stay and write for a while, hang out with people I have connected to, etc. I am also eager to make my community at home inclusive of my community here...there's just a lot of connections that are so strong that it would be silly to leave them here.

On other notes, a few people have asked me if I am having a "Coming Home" party...I hadn't really thought about it that much, but it sounds like a good idea. I am excited to share some writing, and my slides, and see people I have been away from for so long. I was thinking December 21st (Solstice). Nothing concrete yet. I want to get home (Dec. 10th) before I make definite plans. I'm hopefully going to Spokane right after I get home to see my family, share slides, etc. I will be spending the holidays in Seattle though. Those are my basic plans. How weird to be thinking about all this right now. I feel like I have been away for so long. I came here the end of August and already the end of December is on my mind.

I have one more qtr. left before I graduate. I graduate (with black cap and gown!!) on June 13th, there will be a huge party (I will be sharing my writing, comedy, and there might even be dancing) and I hope everyone can come. It has been a very long process, but I know that every person in my life has had a hand in that process and I want to celebrate that and also show everyone my DEGREE CERTIFICATE. Yeah!

Okay, it's 9am, way past my breakfast time. One more week and this blog will forever be archived...:)

Today is our Egotistical Talent Extravaganza...I am listening to my friend Tom play his guitar on a CD he made of himself...I am thinking about this past semester, how we have one more week here, and then we all head off in different directions, to seek the rest of our lives. My heart and throat are choked up...no matter how many times I cry before I go, I still have more tears. It's strange to watch myself begin to leave here. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically packing my things, holding each one nostalgically in my heart, fingering each memory to make sure I have it all. I know I can't really do that though. There will be things I will forget, things that I didn't even know were important and they will hit me when I am sitting in my living room one day when I'm 50, and watching my own kids grow up. That's how life unfolds. It only makes sense that I won't be able to take it all in now, so much has changed! Even now, in retrospect, I cannot see "Findhorn" yet...I can only see what's ahead of me. How my life has been irreversibly altered by my time here, and how my heart and mind have moved into a place that I have always dreamed of, but could never get to on my own. That's an important part to emphasize. I came here all island, not "needing" anybody. And I am leaving here so closely connected to my community I cannot tell where I stop and they begin. I used to be afraid of that...because I was afraid of what I would have to look at inside of myself. But now I see that I too am a reggae ballerina, a farmer, an artist, a scientist, a musician, a dancer. All parts of me I have longed for and were waiting for me here at Findhorn. I have been able to be witnessed as well as witnessing myself, which is such a gift. For all the shit that happened here, and all the complaining and trials, it has been more than a transformation for me. I got to feel my power, full force.

Yesterday in Psych. class I looked at one of my body's symptoms of pain...and I became that pain, bearing down on me. It took so much energy to hold myself back, to render myself immobile. And my feet want to move forward and so does my head and heart, but I have cemented down my 2nd chakra, in defiance and rage, because I haven't yet let myself fully feel my power. But I have learned here that my playing small does not serve the world...and after seeing how much energy it takes to keep myself down, I realize that that energy can be better used to stay in my convictions, and be fully in my power. I have made excuses, and projected dissent onto others, all in attempts to stay in my "place." And all the while my body is fighting to move on, to become who I am, to make a difference (at least in myself!), and to change the world through that difference. So after identifying with the rage and stubbornnes, I'm letting it go, so that I can have my power come through full force.

Hey everyone...my blog is coming to an end. I will be home in 2 weeks. Whoa. I am listening to the song a friend of mine wrote here...it is burned into my mind as the theme song of this semester. I can't possibly wrap up my experience here with any sort of piece...there are many that signify my growth, most of them I've written here.
I have come to so many places in myself, here...I am excited to come home, to start my reacquaintance with Seattle, to commit to living there and helping Seattle grow and change, as I hope Seattle helps me grow and change.
It's interesting how time and space, two intangible things, can change so much of my life. I am thankful it doesn't take a wrecking ball or dynamite. Water carved the Grand Canyon, so there.
Our talent show is tomorrow. I am really excited. I am excited to get on stage, be funny, share with my community here, and start getting closure on this experience.
I anticipate a lot of loss as I pack to leave, but I am excited that what I have gained has exceeded that which I will lose. I have found my voice here...not just my writing voice, but I have found a piece of me that has been silenced for a long time and I am excited to share that with everyone when I get home. It's less about having more to say, and more about having less to say. :) I am really excited about starting my community when I return, about gathering with my loved ones more, about eating good organic food, about speaking up about things that concern me, about telling the truth. I had no idea what I would find here, but I am so glad that on top of all the external things, I learned about the internal ones.
I have learned about unconditional love, and conflict and speaking up and stepping into my power, and standing up for what I feel (more than what I believe!)...and I have learned about laughter and fun and how they must go hand in hand with seriousness and tears, every time. I have also learned that change is scary but so beautiful, if I am awake enough.
I have learned about what home really means, what belonging really means, and how it's more a choice than anything else.
I have missed Seattle a lot, and will equally miss Findhorn.

I hate that I can't read my last blog when I type the new one. Hey, everyone, sorry about the speed of these...I have a lot of writing due now and I've been told that it's not good for me to sit so long in front of the computer. It's funny, but when my computer is being used, I feel like I have nowhere to sit in the living room. It's like my "special chair." Hmm.

I had a kickass time in creative writing as you might imagine. I wrote a lot of stuff that I am hoping to share when I get back, and even more than that, I would even love to submit some of it. I know I will use it in my portfolio for school as well. I got into a place where almost everything I wrote was making me cry. I spose living here for a few months, being comfortable with my emotional process and such, and the supportiveness of my group all aided me in being able to cut right through to my heart on the page. It was so great.

On a different note, I've been getting a real taste for the outside world the last few days. I came to Findhorn to find an ecotopia of sorts, something magical and safe and good. And for the most part, I have found that. But along with the light comes the shadow of course, and this community has its fair share. I no longer see Findhorn on the pedestal and I am eager to come home and begin work on creating the community I want to live in...and I am also happy to note that there will be shadow everywhere, and I hope this awareness will help me in my own community.

I remember writing all about my frustration with my group here, how it's hard to be who I am at times, etc, and I think that over time, that has definitely changed. I feel so close to all the people here...I am really sad about leaving and going back to my side of the country. I know there are ideas of people moving west, but there is something special about being here, that can't be duplicated in a few visits back home. I am glad we have that though. My group has been so amazing, despite all the frustration. It always works that way, doesn't it? I am even going to miss having a roommate (I know! Can you believe it?). I have felt really loved here, and I am better about allowing that love in. I understand now how hard it has been for me to do that, and here, I can't even help it...they just bulldoze me with love and I must comply. :)
I am trying to start getting the slide show together for our final sharing. It will be sad and cool and intense for sure. Can't wait.

Art class this week has been interesting. I can't really get into it that much, but I have noticed that art is finally more about emotion and body movement, rather than technique and detail. I really like knowing that I have access to that part of me.

My book club is starting to read "A Language Older Than Words" and if anyone has a copy they want to lend me when I return, that would be great.

Okay, I know this has been brief and possibly repetitive ( my spelling is quickly declining) and I hope to maybe include a few pieces of my writing soon...

I've had a really good day today. Slow. Careful. Warm. Thoughtful. I have had a lot of interesting conversations with people. I like to hear what people have to say about things because it gives me the chance to check my opinions out in public. I can see where the holes are, where I feel strong in my convictions. We had an interesting dinner. Lots of good food tonight. Jocelyn is in Belfast, which is great, since she was really keen on traveling alone, but I miss her. Although, I do feel that I am connecting with everyone differently than I have been recently. I was talking about energy work today...and feeling somewhat shy about how kooky it sounds to other people, but I realized that if I believe in it, then it doesn't matter what other people think. And to fully step into my belief of it feels better and makes more sense.
So let's talk more in depth...I have been here for 2 months now...which is really cool...and in that time I have been fully myself...fully funny, fully immersed in my writing, fully at peace with my healing skills. And the more I get into those things, the better I feel. And people have said I should write, I should do stand-up, I should be a healer. And I feel like one. I mean, I feel like I have the ability to channel wisdom in certain ways. But I am wary of putting all my confidence in those things. I don't know why. I guess I thought that healers can only be certain types of people. Namely, not me. And writers are different too. And I guess, I thought comedians had to be a certain type of person as well. But if that's not the case, then tell me exactly what I am doing here. I mean, I like all the things I do. I like them for different reasons, in different circumstances. Which is good. But I am a little confused. I know it might not be time to know what I am doing in this world exactly, and I am getting strong signals for what I already enjoy, it's just that I am uncertain where to go first. Healing is really important to me. I do know that I have a skill and even though I am not trained, I know there is value in the healing I do. I am scared of the lack of training...I am scared of the responsibility, of the possible inaccuracy, of not being believed. Drat. Those are the same fears I have about writing and maybe comedy too.

Interesting.

I hope to write one of my creative writing papers on belonging. Kinda like what I wrote about earlier. We have to pick something from our journal and then we also have to do just a simple piece of writing...I have one in mind. Man, I love writing.

Hi ho, Kermit the Frog here for a flash-breaking newsstory...lunar eclipse! Change in consciousness! Saturday night! Harmonic Convergence! So exciting...I already feel a changing of the consciousness, but maybe that's cause I just got up. The weekend approaches and for once I will probably be here all weekend long. Scary. I haven't done that much. I like being able to go someplace else. I realize that with the completion of this weekend, there will only be 4 weeks left. Not a lot of time to write 3 papers, a comedy routine, find out how to graduate from Antioch, visit places outside Findhorn, come up with an awesome slide show, have a social life, and sleep and eat at regular intervals. Although, I am finding it very hard to stress out here. It does feel like finals week at AIS a bit. Grr. Maybe I am finding it much easier to stress out now.

I think the things will come together because they always do in the end, but the impending stress of that is still no fun. Creative writing class ends this week. I am torn about posting the pieces here as I'm not sure everyone wants to read them...but I am happy to share them. I find that I have been able to access my emotions pretty quick here. I have written emotional stuff before, but I usually don't break down in class. It's an interesting thing to do. Esp. while I am writing. I have written lots of things that I am quite proud of and have committed to polishing a few of the pieces and submitting them. Where, is another question. But I have some ideas back at home.

Another weird thing is that I am getting strong feelings about comedy, writing, and healing...not the combination of them, but as career moves. There is enough room here for me to do all of those, and pretty well considering, and lots of people have said I should look into being a writer, or a healer, or a comedian. Which of course I have...I mean, I want all of those, but which one first? They all seem to pour out of me at once, or with this crazy synergistic movement...and I want to be employed when I get home...doing what? I can't see clearly enough to be able to write, heal, or be funny for money and so I am stuck again. Not to mention, I want to be working on the community front and that isn't paid either. I would tell myself to have more faith and relax, but that's hard to believe. So there's that.

Being here at Findhorn has definitely shined the floodlight on me in many respects but now I'm a bit blinded...boy, am I crafty with the metaphor or what? Ha ha.

Man oh man. O K. Let's see. It feels like there's a lot to write about when really, I've just been writing a lot in general and I am in what some term "the flow." For the life of me I can't spell the name of this great author who writes on Flow (hold on, now I gotta go and find it) Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (try pronouncing THAT). I have decided that it is a good idea for me to keep up some sort of practice, even if I take beginning writing classes (only if I have no other options, of course). There is something about the structure of class, homework, audience, voice, etc. Who would've guessed that the girl who has dropped out of so many schools because of their oppressing structure and rules, now finds comfort and even excitement in structure and guidelines. Hmm.

Anyway, the writing has been going really well. I am accessing part of me that I rarely do, mostly because the space is so safe and I am in touch with really deep, intense parts of me here at Findhorn. I rarely cry when I write...at least, I don't cry when I write in class and I have cried plenty in this class. I wrote about the morning I herniated a disk in yoga class, the way my grandparents' house smells, my talk with a man who reminds me of a friend at home, how I felt as a banana in a still life painting...I even wrote about my weird obsession with J Crew models...and I have so many other ideas. Writing a lot makes me feel more creative and I think I actually am. I've been writing at least 4-5 hours a day. I miss homework and papers...I know, who am I, wanting more homework?

Can't believe I will be graduating on June 13th...oh, save the date...that's when you will see me wearing that infamous gown and square hat. I'll be wearing it all day because damnit, I am so proud of myself. School ends in March but I really need that walking ceremony to make it official.

Back to writing...I had this great chat with a friend of mine who works in PR yesterday and it is still with me. Just making connections to people has been a great experience. It's funny but I like meeting people one at a time, and connecting with them on interesting topics...it feels more natural. I think I do that everywhere I go. I go out of my way to make our interaction uniqe and precious because if I am not going to be best friends with them, I still want to be authentic and open myself up. And some people are only in my life for mere moments and those moments are important to me as well. I have felt a little weird about not 'loving' every single person I meet right away, but I figure that it would be insincere to feign interest when we have nothing that's obviously in common. So I honor that part in me that has these smaller interactions with people here. I am making connections to individuals one at a time and it feels good. I feel committed to our interaction and yet, I haven't spread myself thin.

I had a great visit with my parents. I feel that our relationship is definitely changing. I feel more like an adult and I feel more heard than ever before. I remember when they were here at Findhorn and I was talking to them in their bed and breakfast and I have no idea what was so funny but the three of us burst into hysterical laughter...it felt so warm and family-like. Like I always want my family to feel, anyway. And when I said goodbye to them in Edinburgh, I was actually sad to have to go...this Findhorn place is blowing my heart and mind wide open, I tell ya.

On the flip side I realize how important it is to me to feel connected to home right now. I know that it's hard to write all the time, keeping everyone updated, but similarly, it's hard to also feel responsible for all the contact. I am excited when I get emails and paper letters and am pretty emotional when I get them because I remember that I have a home to go to, that people love me, that even though the world still turns when I am gone, that I will have a place when I come home. And I know that other relationships are changing because I am away as well. It's all interesting to see how things change when there is distance. Although I can forsee quite a lot of culture shock, I also don't fear it. Hopefully some things have become habits. Well, I do hope that I can go back to looking left right left before I cross the street.

Okay, I gotta go and read some more...too much writing isn't safe. :) I love being a writer for sure though.

I would like to say that I promise that this won't be a really intensely emotional email...I have my writer's voice on...so it will feel different. Hopefully. :) I have my creative writing class this week. It's amazing what happens when I tap back into that voice...it's like it's always there, waiting, pretending to look at other things, but really it wants to be there with me, in every moment, constantly expressing stuff. If you think I talk a lot, then my writing will be a shock to the system. I write more than I talk. Ha. It's interesting. I wrote a piece today...felt something different from how I normally do. I guess I normally just have these blanketed feelings...love is a good one to talk about. No, really, don't go, let me go on. See, normally when my heart is occupied (picture a bathroom stall with the little "occupied" sign) I am too close to see love. I kinda grasp at it, I look at it like a zoo animal, like something I didn't create...and this time, I wouldn't even use the word 'love' because I am afraid of all the things I meant by it before. I mean something totally different. I say love when I want to convey importance or depth. But as I was walking in the leaves on the way to class, it wasn't a drippy, flowey feeling...it was heavy or firm in my stomach. I felt sick. Not sick like ill, but my stomach was gurgling. Oh this doesn't sound right..but maybe that's what I mean. I mean that it was this whole body feeling. Not just my heart. It was like my heart held a meeting, letting every other part of me know what was happening to me and they all chimed in...my stomach turned, my spine felt wobbly, my feet felt warm, my heart pounded. Everyone knew what was happening. And it washed over me like something I had once thought about, but never thought I would acutally feel. I remember something similar several years ago...but I was a bit blind then. I was so concerned with the word love that I forgot about the feeling love. I know I am being vague and a bit cryptic but that's just a piece of privacy for me. Odd that I am writing about it here. Tapping into my writing voice has opened up this place in me. I was looking at it through the window before but now I am so close I can feel its breath on me. It intense when that happens. And anyway, I think I am scared of how close these feelings are...maybe because I am so different now, but parts of me are still the same...I wonder about how I will be able to deal with this. Deal...argh. Not deal...let in. It's the letting in I am afraid of. It is not something to be controlled or coralled or shoved into appropriate clothing for a dinner party. Maybe that's why I am afraid. Or just curious. Or all of the above. The feelings have been growing...and I have been protective. But then at one point I thought about what I was protecting. Or who, rather. And my stomach turned again. I was nervous about those feelings, about how they feel like they spill out my sides when I am simply trying to be my 'everyday' self. What is that self, I wonder, and is there room for the depth of my feelings. There has to be. There has been a hole where the feelings once were and now that hole is filling up...too soon? I ask myself. I don't know.
Anyway, this is somewhat "emotional" but really, I'm being more observant than I normally am. I wrote a piece about my grandparents today. It felt benign when I wrote it but as I started to read out loud, I began to cry. I had even surprised myself with my writing. Something a writer loves to do. So all this stuff is spilling out of me, without my hand in it, and I am loving every moment.

I am trying to type up what I write (because, gasp!, I am handwriting most of my work in class) and hopefully will sprinkle them in here. After all, I AM a writer and I do more than write this blog thing. :)

Had a nice chat with this friend of mine who works in PR for Findhorn and he and I talked writing and such and it was just really nice to have his feedback and insight. I realize I should always take a writing class because something in the exercises opens up more parts of me than when I just write on my own. Lots of first sentences are flowing and even if I don't write my opus (look at THAT vocabulary!), it's nice to see some good lines.

Hopefully I will be better and more consistent with the blog...

I know I shouldn't be blogging so late because I should really be sleeping and getting ready for creative writing in the morning. But it's been a while! Oh blogger, how I love thee and the many ways I communicate with my loved ones.

Speaking of, I just came back from a weekend in Edinburgh, seeing my parents. It was awesome. We saw a football game (where they yell intense swear words at players, linemen, and referees), I got to watch Mystic River (good movie, but there's no "feel good" part at the end), take a hot bath, eat meat, and shower with some water pressure...so nice. Living in Findhorn makes me definitely appreciate the outside world a lot more. Talking with my parents over dinner, brainstorming ideas about NESES (neses.org), and just having a good time. We saw the botanic garden today and man, there is something so cool about walking in greenhouses...so healing. I cannot wait to have a greenhouse of my own one day. And it will happen.

I talked to a friend of mine last week and it was really good to talk and hear what's happening at home, but it made me really homesick. I know all the things that are going on at home through various people and it's so intense and I am so excited to go home and be there with everyone. I only have 5 weeks left. Which in the grand scheme of things is not a lot of time. In other respects, it is a long time. It's kind of a mind fuck that way.

So I had a great time with my parents visiting. I think we got closer in a way that wouldn't have been possible at home. I hope to make it a more regular thing to sit and talk with them when I get home. We talked about telling the truth and it was interesting to hear my own voice, it sounded a lot more grounded and certain. It was nice to know that I can change. I used to be afraid of the truth and now it's something I am so committed to that I tattooed it on my arm. And I am happy about that commitment. It feels good to tell the truth.

Okay, my sentence structure is breaking down and my eyelids are heavy. Soon I will go back to writing more captivating stuff. :)

Hey, my parents are here! They came a day early but it was totally needed and appreciated because I just need to talk to people who love me and understand me. It sounds bad, I know. I make it sound that way. Just having my parents here has made me feel a million times better. Plus, I got this AWESOME package in the mail today...it was so nice to feel such love today. I feel really good right now. I need to sleep though...Art class today was totally not frustrating. I assumed it was going to be too hard core and it was not. We did the draw like little kids thing. Which is nice. I feel a lot better about things. My parents being here, the many letters I have gotten, and the lessening of my own personal problems makes this easier. 6 weeks more. I can do it. Esp. with all the love I've been feeling from all of you. Thanks so much.
Good night (I realize that's weird to write since most of you prolly read this at work, during the day...hahahaha)

Hello fellow readers...well, I spose, if I read my own blog you'd be a fellow reader, but I just write 'em. Hee hee. Anyway, I am home again, this time for good (til I come home!!-Dec. 10th). I am going away on the weekends, but for the most part, I am here duriing the week.
So, Erraid. It's a tiny island on the west coast (west siyeed!) of Scotland. Not even on the map. Not labeled, anyhow. So I'll give you the bad first, since that always works well. I have never felt as homesick as I did when I was out there. It could have been the mix between the bad food, annoying company (the youth project came with us), alarmingly cold nights, far away composting toilet, trying to survive 31 other people's sickness (which I did!), having no private space, and being in the middle of an intense personally emotional time that made it hell on earth. I couldn't wait to get back to findhorn, and I found that I was finally feeling ready to be back in Seattle, sipping chai, sleeping in my huge bed alone, and waking up with the sensation of all my extremeties. Being with my group was intense and I am finally waking up to the fact that I don't have to be everyone's best friend, say the right thing, think the right thing, and be cool and "okay" with everything. Thank god. Really, thank god for that. I was a pain in the ass by group standards, but I think I felt okay with it because I didn't have to lie about how I felt. At one point I checked in and said I felt crappy and then throughout the day I felt like I had to "feel better" because there was this pressure to make things okay and I was adament about staying with the anger however long I felt like doing it. And I did. And I felt great afterward. The day we left I was in a great mood and happy. Good deal. I had a major breakdown earlier in the week, realizing that I felt how I felt as a child...it was uncomfortable and alienating and lonely. The loneliest I've felt in months. I woke myself with naseua (and bad spelling) and couldn't even move the energy. It sucked. Plus, the worst feeling is that I wanted to be held, and I knew that, I even pictured the people who would have been willing to just sit there and be with me while I wailed, and they were nowhere in sight. I really wanted to come home.
Okay enough of the venting. There were some GREAT parts too.
My focaliser Maggie was awesome. We laughed so hard we almost busted our guts. Tons of jokes, tons of laughter. As with most intense emotional upheavels, there comes intense comedy and there was plenty of that. It was awesome to have someone to be witty with, someone who gets my quick wit and quirky, yet undeniably clever, humor. I also woke each morning, right on time to see the sun rise. Incredibly beautiful. I tried to watch it for more than the 30 seconds it takes to run to the outhouse (or as they like to call it "composting toilet") but it was darn cold. The pinks and oranges were amazing though. I loved that part in the a.m. At night I got to see this amazing show of the Northern Lights. I had no idea how intense they were. Colors, movement, brightness...so cool! Magical to say the least. All I needed was a little Pink Floyd playing in the background and it would've been Laser Erraid. Hee hee. One of the members on the Island was an awesome storyteller and he shared an hour of his time with just the FCS students and it was so cool. I hadn't before realized what a gift a good storyteller is. I now see how cool the oral traditions were (are). So it wasn't all bad, just about 70% of it was.
Does that make me seem jaded and dissatisfied? I hope that everyone sees I can hold the paradox of the fact that it's hard here but that parts of being here are totally necessary for my growth. It is interesting to feel homesick, because I haven't felt like I've had this much of a "home" before. I got a lot of email and calls when I was away, obviously getting the support I needed when I was away. It was cool. I felt really loved when I got back here.
So what's next?
Tomorrow art class starts. That'll throw me for a loop cause I am not ready to "be creative" but we'll see what happens. It will get me out of my head for a few days anyway. It will be more non-verbal too. :) There are mad group dynamics going on and I am tired of them. The drama is intensifying. It's funny, because for me, the drama was my own crap and now everyone else's crap is coming to surface. Woo hoo! Hopefully the art and upcoming writing classes will level me a little.
My parents are coming soon (tuesday!) and that's really exciting for me. I have missed them. And I am having all these intense feelings about family and such, so it will be good to see them...plus, I am excited to get away from my group again this weekend.
Erraid was intense because it was the place that Treasure Island takes place, and the author of Treasure Island spent loads of time there (his father wanted him to be an engineer even though he wanted to be a writer, so he was sent to Erraid...but the island was so captivating that he inevitably became a writer anyway, being so inspired by his surroundings...). We had to take a little boat across to get to it. Little boat, as in it holds 9 people. Cute. Anyway, I am happy to be home in any case. I hope to actually establish relationships with people here. I am becoming more and more aware of my age, my need for establishing community (in a personal way, not necessarily the way the whole group wants to), my need for contact from home (thanks to everyone who has been writing, emailing, calling, visiting...it's so appreciated), and my need to graduate and move into a totally different place in my life. I am finally at that point. Which is so interesting in its own right. I am getting ready to plan my Candidacy Meeting which is where I basically prove that I am ready to graduate soon. After 8 years, I think I can say that I am ready. Woo hoo. Party to follow. :) Any thoughts on my future career? Other than taking most of my time to help start my own future community, I need something to do all day and get paid for it.
Speaking of related ideas, I was just approached to be a part of this workshop called The Mastery. It's a performing workshop and I was seriously considering writing a comedy routine for it and getting feedback on performing it. Then hopefully performing it at home (after here of course). Instead of my more objective comedy, I would use more personal stuff, kinda playing into my own personal view of comedy, transparency, telling the truth, and being more accessible...I don't know if the times will work out but I am willing to explore it. It's an edge for me, but I think that that's a good indicator of something I should explore...
Oh! I forgot to talk about this part too...
I had a dream last night about going to this networking party thing with my mom (and to disclaim, in my dreams, my mom doesn't actually represent my real-life mom, it represents my own personal caretaker and protecter). We're sitting there and this man comes over and asks me a question. Right away, my mom pipes up and starts talking to him instead of me. I turn to her and scream that he was talking to me, that she always speaks for me, and that I am sick and tired of it...and I get up and walk out. Dream ends.
It wakes me up because I am so upset. But then it clicks in: that part of me, the protective part, has had such a hold on my life. It always speaks first, always over-protecting me, always critiqing and keeping people at bay. But I was writing an email this morning and saying that I want to throw her (that part of me) a retirement party and let her go. I don't need her in my life, protecting me anymore. It will be hard to kick her out...I mean, she has a tiny place in my life still, keeping me out of harm's way, but I will have to step into my power more when it comes time to protect myself, and watch out for my well-being. She has been a vigilant part of me, doing background checks and intense interviews of every person I encounter. She's anal beyond measure and I appreciate her initial reasons to take care of me, but if I am to get along in life, actually engage with people, and feel safe, I will have to take more responsibility for that in my life. She can check things out if flags go up, but with people who don't possess any threat, she will have to pick a new hobby, like knitting. It was a great dream of awareness in many respects. I don't think anything will change overnight, but I do find that I being able to take control and get into my power more, will change my life on many levels. And the awareness of such a process/transformation will be plenty for right now. Okay, I know these entries can be overwhelming, so I'll stop now. Good stuff.

Hey there, sorry I have been negligent! I know that this is an avenue of communication and I need to be a lot more committed to it. Anyway, this week flew by...Human Ecology class has been amazing. We're learning about the basic principles of permaculture, of which one can model other things after. I like that concept. Systems theory at its best. I am eager to start my community at home! We also learned about economy, local currency, LETS (local exchange trading system, I think), bartering, etc. My teacher works with Global Ecovillages Network and we saw all these slides of ecovillages across the world, I know where I want to travel next! He has connection to the ecovillage in Senegal and I hope that one day, when I speak French I can go there and visit for a spell. So cool! In the beginning of this class (monday), we were encouraged to envision a project/community in its most utopian state and of course I thought of the one I want to start back home. I am hopefully going to write my paper on it, maybe even do a model (like old school AIS-style) of it. Some ideas were that the layout was like a wheel, the spokes were pedestrian pathways leading to homes on either side of the spoke. Common spaces between spokes would have gardens, playgrounds, laundry, other shared buildings. The center of the 'wheel' would be the main enterprise. My thought was that it should be a restaurant or art center (studio, performance hall, etc). That way we can make $ and work as a community with a common focus. Everyone can be involved as much as they want, in the way that they feel most comfortable, learn new skills if they want to, and we would be coming together over either food or art, which I know is a pretty common theme in the lives of people around me...cause it's a common theme in mine too! I figured, art and food are necessities and so, there that is. I am developing the details for the paper using other ideas of other co-housing communities. It should be cool. I am very excited. It makes going to class so fun!
Last night we got a slide show of the history of this place which was so cool. Very extensive. Seeing all the pics of what it looked like a long time ago, when it started, was so interesting. Plus, we got to see them in one of the barrel houses that is made from an old whiskey barrel. 20 feet in diameter. Man, it was so cool. I don't recommend AA meetings in there though.
I cannot possibly relay all that I learn, hopefully I retain it for myself, at the least.
I was talking to a friend last night and I am finding that being here is showing me that I really want stronger connections back home. Both now, and when I actually get there. I find myself less wanting to "be alone" when I express myself honestly. We had our weekly attunement and I went through yet another process involving telling the truth, risking, etc. It continues to be challenging but I also continue to feel MUCH better after expressing how I feel. Telling people how I feel is probably one of the most empowering things I can do. When I don't do it, it only festers inside and I cannot have that anymore. It taxes my body more than I can handle. Thank goodness. Community foundation building is already going on at home, which makes me a little homesick, but with all the work I am doing here, I don't think I'll be that far behind. I haven't emailed my supposed network of people yet. I am pretty busy here, but I will get to it soon. For sure before I get home. Which will be December 10th, in case anyone doesn't know.
I am getting som awesome letters from friends and family and I eagerly check the mail for more, so don't be shy. And I'm a pretty good letter writer so if you want some mail...
Oh, and I have postcards, if anyone just wants me to drop them a line...:)
Okay, gotta go and write an outline for my project/paper/presentation...if you have any ideas about the IDEAL community, feel free to email me...I like virtual visionstorming (it's more than "brain" don't you think?)...

Saw the Northern Lights tonight...man, that's cool. A few of us just went out and watched them. I recommend it to anyone who has the chance. Just have to say briefly that I really enjoy being here, learning, changing, eating awesome food, etc. It's been a wonderful experience so far and I am excited I have more than a month and a half left. Hopefully soon I will start my writing practice. So far, it's only been blogging and emailing. Gotta get into the other stuff too...

Hey everyone! I just had an AMAZING class today. It's the second week of Human Ecology and I am JAZZED to be in it. Everyday I think about my community back home...and it's hard to be here and not be able to sit around after a good meal and talk about it with all of you...so I'm going to try to either get a blog going so that we can start talking about what we want now, or some other sort of listserv thing (look at me and my listserv-edness!). Now, I won't be emailing all of you. That can get annoying, I know. I know a few of you are interested in the community talk and I'm going to try to email you all either tomorrow or the next day. Basically I'm interested in hearing ideas, brainstorms, visions, totally impossible but incredible dreams, etc. Just want to open the floor to some dialogue and dream sharing. If you don't get an email from me but would like to talk SERIOUSLY about forming a community in some fashion, then you can email me first and I will include you in the fun. As I live in Findhorn each day, and learn more and more about community, I realize that that's an important thing I am missing back home: structured, productive community. I like what I had when I was there, but I see so much more potential in the people I know and I would LOVE to actually start coming together, as much as we can (despite our obvious distance). Some of you may be moving or in the middle of some big life change, that's cool. If you get an email from me and DON'T want to be a part, "No, thanks, I'm perfectly fine cooking for myself, watching movies alone, and paying lots of money to entertain myself and pretend I'm happy" <--don't laugh, that was me a month ago! Then you can kindly tell me to take my mass emails elsewhere...and I will. But if you're the least bit curious, then go ahead and engage...I promise, it won't hurt. It might actually feel really good. Has Findhorn changed me? Yep. Do I want to bring change home? Yep. Do I know tons of people who have expressed me to their desire to find community? Yes indeed. So why wait til I get home and have tons of work to do for school. Let's start now. I'm REALLY excited to talk about stuff and then start to act on it.
Okay, I should go to sleep...all this excitement tires me out!

Yeah! There's spell check on blog now!! Finally, you won't have to suffer my increasingly poor spelling! Although, I want to say that I think my spelling is declining because right brain is taking over my left brain, which for me, is really good. But I can't add worth a damn.
Anyway, I am finally home. Normally, I would differentiate that this was 'Findhorn Home' not to be confused with 'Seattle Home.' But I realize that this is home to me for 2 more months and I feel that way about it.
It is GOOD to be back here. Vacation was a little more hectic than my imagination accounted for. Language barriers, culture barriers, FOOD barriers...I did enjoy myself for the most part. I saw how much more laid back I've become since I traveled Europe last. When we missed our trains, I was vocally annoyed but really, I had nothing I had to be doing that I was actually missing. I still packed too much but now that I'm home, I can go and get a chiro adjustment. So...what were the highlights? Saw my friend Shosh. It was great to see a familiar face. Saw the pretty architecture of Paris (that needed no language and was easy to appreciate). Got my head smashed in a Metro (subway) door<-- you may wonder why this is a highlight...well, there are these moments when I travel that help me gain some perspective on the experience and this was so strangely funny and painful that I was able to use it to cheer myself up. I went to H&M (three times). Got to experience the essence of Dutch culture, simple but stylish clothes, trendy glasses, more scarves than I knew what to do with, the funky Dutch language. Went to a Modern Art museum that was by far, the best one I've been to (it rivals the Denver Art Museum exp. I had when I was younger)--I got to see furniture and art that I've only seen pictures of in books! I realized that my inner compass can be wrong sometimes. And overall, I came to realize something about belonging. Being at Findhorn has made that subject pretty apparent but I didn't know what to do about it. Belonging somewhere can seem pretty scary, mostly because I associate it with a kind of negative feeling. I feel boxed in or typical. But now the word has finally giving me some good feelings. I realized that I feel like I belong at Findhorn. I do belong at Findhorn. It's not a membership club that I needed permission to get into. No dues, no password, no secret handshake. What I did have to do is acknowledge that 1) I wanted to belong 2) That Findhorn wanted to belong to me 3) that the willingness and acceptance of myself in this place, feeling these things was all I needed for that. I wrote a lot of this in a letter to a friend...talked about maybe my problem with always wanting to leave a place is that I never let myself belong somewhere. I live in Seattle. I have an address and friends, and family. But I've never really acknowledged that I could (but didn't) BELONG there too. Belonging is a commitment. It's noticing that there is a place for me in Seattle that cannot be filled but just another clothespin-wearing, chai-drinking, movie-watching, 26 year old who drives a Honda. There is a place for ME. But what makes me think this? Did I get some sort of invitation? Nope. I just realized that Seattle belongs to me, too. There is most definitely a relationship there, between me and my city. What's needed to maintain this relationship? Commitment, acknowledgment, investment, mutuality, interest and responsibility. If Seattle belongs to me, then I can't go bad mouthing it while I remain inactive. I can't run off to the next city I read about in a magazine thinking I can find the perfect place to 'belong.' There's no 'Best Cities In The World To Belong To' list where I can find one just right for me. I have to create it. Most of you mught be sighing in relief that I finally understand. Me too. Belonging is more than just about living in Seattle or Findhorn...it's about belonging in this world, too. I do belong here. Whatever it is I have to offer, I'm the only one who can offer it. That makes me belong. Belonging is also about people. This most definitely relates to relationships. I don't mean it in a possessive way. But there is something to be said about taking ownership (not as in slave ownership, but responsibility) and putting in honest effort to make something work. I left a lot of friends and family to come here. Just as I was getting close to a lot of people I picked up and moved away for three months. No coincidence there. I've never missed Seattle and my community so much before. I can see now that I belong there, with them. I'm not your typical homesick though, because I belong here too. I feel valued and loved and appreciated. I also made the connection to my Family of Origin (the family I grew up with-my immediate family). I'm not sure where I got the idea that I didn't belong in my family, but after having my pseudo family here, and seeing that even though we don't always understand, can't always help, don't always agree, I still have a place here. I still belong here, expressing my truth, feeling my feelings, thinking my thoughts and dreams. And although I know my family loves me, I didn't click into the fact that it's more than love. We belong together. With our chaos and our order and our little funny things that only our family does. I don't need a birth certificate to prove I belong. I just need to feel that I do. And they belong to me. When one marries into a family, it's just an expression of wanting to belong there. Everyone has to make that choice whether through marriage or blood. I even related belonging to my life's purpose. If I think I have a unique voice, that my voice belongs here on the earth, then you better believe I'm gonna start communicating differently. I'm not just another writer. I'm Becca, who writes from my heart. And that's really important. For every person. Sure, lots of people write or draw or program or have kids or volunteer or make movies. It's not about them. It's about us. Doing what WE love. And that's good enough. Seriously. No joke. It may not make you millions, yet. But it doesn't mean it doesn't need to be heard. So that's my message for the day. I feel a lot better about everything. All the feedback I've been getting makes me really happy and fulfilled. Not now but keep in mind the blogs you like and tell me which ones those are so I can maybe read them here at Findhorn, and then ultimately at Antioch for my final presentation. I am really enjoying the writing and finally feel like it's actually something important for people other than me...
Oh, I read at open mic last night. It was really cool. I was a little shaky of course, but I felt really good reading.
This week we compelte our Human Ecology class. I'm really interested in what we'll be doing...
Everyone here is sick and I am trying to fight it off...although, I feel really healthy anyway and if I do get sick, it'll just to be shedding some toxins I picked up in Paris...:)
Thanks for reading...

After getting my head smashed in the metro (subway) door, taking several minutes per meal to decipher what i want to eat, running through the louvre to see other people take pictures of Mona Lisa, rotting my teeth with the sugar I poured into the blackest coffee ever made, going up 6 flights of stairs every day to get back to my bed and collapsing in a heap @ 9pm everynight, we're leaving paris tomorrow for Amsterdam. I would say that I had fun, but more accurate was that I was in Paris. I did some stuff, saw some things, and realized I should write a nonfiction travelguide called 'The Grass is Always Greener' that will help me through the trials I seem to find myself in whenever I leave the country. And for what? I don't know yet...I'll find out I'm sure when I get home, of course.
I am having a good time in a way. Then again, I consider therapy a good time! I know everyone wants to be in my shoes (well not everyone) but I can say that there is something very satisfying about a meal being straightforward. Mona Lisa WAS small, no surprise. My scarf makes me look native...til I say the word 'um'.
I'm also lactose intolerant. Still no surprise. I miss home a lot. I even miss Scotland, at this point. Traveling is hard. When will I ever learn? I did have a crepe and a croissant. I think I'm done here. How's that for the least elegant traveling ever? Keep sending me mail....need it now more than ever since I am REALLY out of my element. Just starting to get the hang of this keyboard! Miss all of you tremendously!

Hi! Im in France and i have no idea how to use this keyboard. And, i cant find a place to stay in Amsterdam! Im really frustrated about that...but i think i am more annoyed at my time limit on the computer. Paris is fun so far...im a bit out of my body necessarily but i think thats okay since its a big city. I realize that the internet is more than a form of communication...its information and comfort too. I cant type very fast on the foreign keyboard! damn. I am having fun just walking around looking at stuff. Notre Dame is stunning, the rain is typical, and everything is expensive! I am happy to be here but I can feel that the grass is always greener on the other side and thats annoying. Why cant i just like where i am? Okay Ive got to get to looking for places to stay. More when I am not pressured to deal with lodgings. Just booked a hostel, dont even know where it is located. Hee hee. Feel much better. Still hate this keyboard. Traveling can be really good in a lot of ways because it shows you the edge of yourself and thats an interesting place to live for a few days at a time. Although without the internet, it can be an uncomfortable place at times. I will be excited to go to Amsterdam and be able to communicate. Thanks to everyone reading this blog. I know it can be heavy a lot of the time, but for good reason. Lots of things are happening! Im trying to write in my journal too when I cant get to internet. I miss everyone more now that I am traveling...lots to see and I want to share! Hope all is well!

Man. Can we say roller coaster? Now, I know that this blog has a mix of personal and not so personal stuff and this entry is pretty personal...so beware of the intensity. Although, for most of you, this will be a relieving entry, if you've had any experience with my defenses...
I won't go into TOO much detail, as it's not really necessary...but the jist is that for most of my life, I have had a hard time telling people my truth. Not to be confused with "the" truth. I'm pretty good at pointing out that. But where it gets sticky is telling people (groups, family, friends, etc) how I feel. This has been a lifelong pattern...mostly around talking about my sexual abuse and feelings about the death of my dad. I didn't tell anyone (my family) about being sexual abused because I'm sure I felt ashamed. It was a dirty thing to me at the time, and being honest about it to other people made me fear that I would taint them as well. Better not to spread that around, I figured. Not to mention, my dad was dying at the time and I guess I thought it wasn't a good idea to burden my family with something that heavy. What responsibility I thought I had to keep things "running smoothly." I have always assumed the role of peacemaker, and keeping things to myself (if I thought they might have caused pain) was just part of that.
NOTE: I realize that I am telling this like a story, and it didn't really happen that way at all...this is a much nicer version...
And so the pattern began that if I thought my truth telling would be a burden, then I wouldn't do it. I kept it inside for as long as possible. With the sexual abuse, I did it for 17 years...but as I realized, the not telling was way more harmful than the telling. I've suffered many a physical ailment from stuffing the heaviness, hurt, loneliness, loss, and fear back into my body. I did this to protect myself. I also created an excellent sense of humor with which to cope. And cope I did. I used it to gain friends, ease pain, disarm potential threats, and even repel people (sarcasm has its downsides). I became very good at decieving...I decieved myself the best. I thought if I could just run far and fast enough, I could escape having to tell the truth. Not only did I not talk about the death and sexual abuse, I learned to keep in any other truths that might disrupt a system. I've done it a good chunk of times...enough to disrupt friendships, and cause some intense physical pain.
Enter Findhorn.
I came here under the guise of "school" and "credit" and that has been the smallest part of this experience. Yesterday, in Community Psychology, we were talking about how it's been in the group so far and I became mute. Most people said it was going well...and I couldn't speak up and say I was having a shitty time. I couldn't tell them that I felt compromised, crowded, alone, fearful, totally out of my element, and frustrated. It got caught in my throat and became this huge lump. My body shooked to explode and I fought it with all my might. My awareness was such that with every word my teacher said, it related to the exact experience I was having at that moment. The tears fell but I refused to speak up. I would fight this with every ounce of energy I had. I ran out of class so fast...didn't want to look at my classmates /roommates/friends...I just wanted to go and cry and explode on my own...I finally understood what had happened when I was a kid, how I cut off from the people closest to me because I perceived that telling the truth would possibly kill someone. It was such a logical thought then, but I have outgrown it. And so it came up this semester. I went through the whole process and this morning, no longer able to stay silent (I got this MASSIVE headache, shut off from everyone, cried alone in my room, and feel asleep at 8pm...which is NOT like me), I let it all tumble out...man, to observe myself so vulnerable was almost excruciating to watch. My teacher (also a family therapist, thank goodness) was amazing...knew just what to do and say...and as I shared with the class, I felt better. I feared that my sharing would bore, bring down, over-intensify the group. But luckily, I wasn't the only one feeling stuff...I was playing it out for the group as well...which is a nice gesture (although an unintentional one for sure) but it doesn't make it any easier. I think that was the hardest therapeutic experience I've had...and it's only the beginning. I told them the truth this time, after a huge explosion, but my struggle is to tell the truth when it's a small thing, rather than just a huge thing. And to not think people will hate me cause I am serious every once in a while. And equally, to quell that little girl inside of me who thinks the truth will kill people, or make them ashamed of me, of make them think I am a bad, dirty, problematic, weak girl. Being vulnerable makes me strong and I need to hold that paradox close to me. Letting people see me hurt doesn't make them pity me, it only increases their love of me. I allow myself to be loved, touched, held, and supported when I can open myself up at the most crucial points...telling the truth is okay. It may cause some discomfort, but I can learn to go slow and be gentle with all parties.
So class was GOOD today...I feel SO much better...I feel a lot freer, more grounded, loved, seen, held, and happy. I have to keep practicing.
Tonight I made dinner for the group (and 3 others)...it was awesome. Yummy peanut sauce tofu. It was nice to have that experience this morning and then be able to cook tonight. It was so good to feel more sincere with people. My work shift was awesome, the sun was out, I got to cook, I got mail (!), and I don't have to do dishes...hmm...feels good. So that's that. I'm sure I'll revisit this more this semester...I need to, that's for sure, to keep in check about it.
Thanks for reading...that wasn't too bad, was it?

Awesome open mic tonight. True Findhorn nature...fiddle players, drumming, poetry, off-key singing (but well applauded), storytelling, free stylin', and crazy dancing. Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto. So funny. It was fun to watch. I plan on reading next week Gotta write some new stuff...I like the audience. Time for Seinfeld before bed.

I can't sleep. It's 4:30am and I am searching the internet for stuff for my impending trip to paris, london, amsterdam. Had hot cocoa and now can't sleep. It's too cold to continue to stay awake though. Looked up a bunch of stuff and now I need to go to bed cause there's not much else to do. Grr. Well, I better go and do that.

Hello my readers! I'm FINALLY back home from a long week on Trees for Life. Man oh man. Just between me, you, and the entire world wide web, it was quite a backcountry experience. It's hard to be with 12 people in cramped quarters, eating the same food for 7 days...the water there has peat (as in peat moss) in it and it can be quite disconcerting to see brown water coming out of the taps. And when I flushed the toilet it came back brown...ew. Although, I was told that the brown water was better than the water we had back at Findhorn...oh well. Enough complaining...what did I enjoy? After a few hours perspective (and a hot shower, clean clothes, and an appropriate amount of personal space) I want to note the beauty of the original Caledonian Forest. It reminded me of Dr. Seuss...which was just so cool. We saw a bunch of rainbows, as the clouds and sun played hide and seek. The rain, although treacherous at times, provided us with tons of greenery to look at. After I adapted Wellies (or Wellingtons...rubber boots) as my shoes of choice, it was fun to walk through streams, puddles, and 6 inches of mud...now I know why little kids wear rubber boots...they're great!
It was interesting to cut down sitka spruce (sp?) and rhodadendrons in favor of the native species. It was weird to see trees from home be the invasive species...and isn't it strange that at home, english ivy is an invasive species? Hmm..some things were meant to be cross-cultural, and others weren't I guess. Which brings me to my more personal moments...as I am retelling my experiences from this past week to certain people, I realize that there's no use in brushing it off and saying "It was fun," cause in reality, it was a trying time for me. I've been here for a month now...it has seemed like much longer at times...and I am finally seeing the real shit underneath the niceties (sp?). I can see why the niceties are necessary, but I can't always go along with it, since it's hard for me to express myself when I know that there is a lot of surface stuff and not a lot of REAL stuff. Even if the real stuff is nasty, I prefer it the fake stuff. Go figure. I am getting more and more clear about my stuff here...as I've been writing. Today, on the way back home, I realized that I spend a lot of time looking for my flaws in other people. I know intellectually that other people are reflections of myself, and yet I fail to realize that it is both positive AND negative...so while I am clear about the shit about myself that I am critical of, I can also look at people and see that I might actually be able to see the good things about them...and honestly, it is even possible to see that the thing I want to criticize is really the thing I embody in a positive way too...sarcasm is my way of making heavy things lighter, my silliness is latent but still prevalent, my overly optimistic view keeps my dreams alive, my general trusting attitude keeps me healthy and in check...so it's not only about coming here and finding out what my hidden flaws are (and not so hidden!)...it's about seeing the beauty that is in my humanity...that follows me when I am sad, faithless, merciless, unforgiving, and arrogant.
We did a lot of physical labor that I wasn't really into (some things never change) and my inner perfectionist was on high alert, careful to dwell and point out every single thing I was slacking about...and I checked it out several times only to receive in return peaceful acceptance and gratitude for the work I HAD done...and I was the ONLY one getting down on myself. Hmm. So I spend quite a bit of time nitpicking myself to death, because maybe I feel if I do it, then people will sympathize or I'll have covered any nitpicking they might do about me and my work...but in reality, it is up to them to come to me about any problems...and doing it to myself, to save them the effort is really inefficient, and possibly insulting. I don't tell myself what good I am doing. I don't congratulate myself on helping keep the group's morale up, providing comic relief when we are covered in midges (small, nat-like, mosquito-like bugs that swarm around anything that can't stand them), and being honest about my feelings about working (which, when given the choice, I opted to not work, not walk, not participate, etc). I took care of my needs surprisingly well, making sure I ate well, slept well, read alone, etc. See, that was good! I didn't obsess about email (and the lack of it) and I didn't complain overtly. It's amazing that what you choose to dwell on, multiplies. :)
I'm starting a "sugar fast" tomorrow. I put it in quotes cause...well, cause I put everything in quotes! I'll just be off sugar for a week...don't be surprised if I write more than usual, replacing one addiction for the other...:) I'm in really good spirits today and now that there is another computer (so everyone isn't hounding me for mine), I am way more relaxed. I can actually write during daylight hours...
Several people have asked me if I want anything sent to me here...my room is bare and if people are so inclined, send me some stuff to put on my walls...I'm not picky, as anything you send, will remind me of you. :) I had other things but forgot them now that I am writing...isn't that always how it is?
I finished reading the 5th Harry Potter...what a trip it is to read in the UK...fun! I thoroughly enjoyed all 762 pages of it.
My next book is The Pilgrimage by Paulo Coelho...he wrote The Alchemist. It's really good so far. I am still voraciously reading. It's nice to read here. Esp. spiritual books. There is a force field around Findhorn that heightens any experiences I have and it's nice actually. I get to experience the things I read about...I'm sure you want an example...those are hard to write...I guess finding the book The Pilgrimage is a good one. I went for the massage I got for my b-day, and saw this book. It was about the author's pilgrimage...and it's funny but in a way, coming here is my pilgrimage. Not to something, but to myself...to the depths of myself. And there are guides and healers and signs along the way, but ultimately, it is up to me to move forward, to seek myself...sure, at home I'd be able to connect these things, but in isolation (well, as close as I can get to it here) it is so much more apparent, my path. And I am grateful for this space to do it. I have mixed feelings about being here in general...sometimes I am frustrated that I cannot seem to do intense work like this at home, and other times I am clear that travel is just that, a space to slow down, appreciate the things that are coming up, and be happy to hear new people, accents, cultures, etc. It's good to keep in check about that stuff...just so that I don't waste my time being negative...which, I am a lot sometimes...but luckily, I am allowed time off from that...I might be able to fire myself completely from Negativeland one of these days...does my blog bore you? Is there stuff you want me to talk more about? This is for me as much as it is for me...that's why my concentration in school is Writing for Sustainable Community...am I sustaining you? I am getting more and more clear about Writing for Sustainable Community...I see it as a writing for, as in, to keep a community connected, updated, etc as well, as a writing for, meaning writing myself for the community. I guess the latter is just something I am hoping for...that my writing, that my truth-telling, works to reflect for others...I am hoping to write in order to heal...heal what? I'm not sure. It heals me, for sure...does it heal you? I wonder...feedback would be lovely...

I forgot to talk about the LaStone massage that I got for my b-day from my peeps here. It was amazing. I laid down on hot stones and then had hot stones placed on me (man, I love heat!) and then got massaged. Then I flipped over and had hot stones placed on me and then got massaged with really cold and hot stones. It was so nice. While I was on the table I had a little chat at my feet. They are always cold and for the life of me I cannot find out how to get more circulation flowing to them. So I asked them why they were so cold and they said (yes, my feet "said" this...what can I say, I come to Findhorn and my feet start talking) that I they were afraid to touch the earth because they wouldn't be able to be supported. And they wouldn't be able to protect themselves from harm. Touching down to earth means trusting and they weren't feeling very trusting I guess. So I asked them, if they could suspend their fear for a second and trust that the earth would be able to not only support them, but also care for them (me). They said they'd think about it, give ti a trial run maybe. We'll see how that goes. Later, in my more conscious state, I felt really sad about this little chat. I actually believe(d) it. It's really hard for me to touch down, to feel what is happening in the world, to make connections. If I do touch down, I am afraid of what might change (or realizing what is already changing...). It's not only the connection between me to earth, but from Earth to me. All the things that I have been so "successfully" avoiding (pain, struggle, degredation of the environment, abuse of women, exploitation of children...etc) will actually touch me, in my innermost core, and that is a scary thought. To FEEL that (as opposed to intellectualize it) is a totally diff. sensation. Although, the exciting and inspiring part is that when I begin to let that in, is when I will feel moved to act. And I'm guessing, only then will I feel PURPOSE coming through me. And maybe my feet might actually start to get warmer...
The prospect of being moved to act, instead of falsely trying to trick, coerce, pressure, or guilt myself into acting, is an interesting one. I knew all the shit that's been going down, but as long as I remained separate enough from it, I had an excuse not to do anything about it (even if it was a bad excuse). I feel much more drawn to write and/or make people laugh...still seeing where that goes...kinda like the "not knowing" a little...
So I had an excellent birthday...feel good in my body, mind, soul, and spirit. My friends were all amazing, all over the world. It's nice to feel such true and solid love. It was hard to receive at times, being that it's usually hard to receive when it's not my b-day, but I tried really hard. My Scotland peeps went around and each said something nice about me...it was so awesome.
Yesterday we walked around the dairy farm in silence (a partnership b/w Earthshare, Findhorn, and Nick's farm) and it was an intense experience. I really didn't know I would feel such a connection to the cows, chickens, pony, dog, land, etc. Not that I gave up meat (had Chicken for dinner!), but I realize more and more how imp. it is to buy with your conscience and not just run down to the market to buy your faceless, soulless food. Blanketed understanding of food, farming, ecology, impact, and action needed is really essential for the whole food experience. I can appreciate the speed and low cost of fast food, supermarkets, etc, but it's harder for me to really ignore the facts anymore. Everyone should come and do this program.
Strangely, I don't feel depressed as much as I feel empowered. Funny how that is. Statistics depress me, but I usually shut down before I get angry enough to change. That's the trick. Stay open that last bit, where it touches your head and heart, and see what makes you boil...it is that that you are "called" to do. Maybe I should write a book "How to Change Your Entire Life in 3 Months" Or, maybe I should just change my life and carry on...
I actually SAW free range chickens and cows. Interesting. Not that I was puzzled about how that worked, but I was surprised at how much better everything felt around me, knowing that the animals had free run of the place. It was even pretty amusing. I even tasted unpastuerized milk (sshh, don't tell the FDA of Scotland) It was yummy. We had this awesome cheese, and eating it was worth the lactose intolerance.
On the emotional front, I feel solid. I named my demons on Wed. and since then they have quieted some. I'm less afraid of being myself, no matter how crazy it looks. A friend of mine wanted me to confirm the theory that men had more influence on/in the world than women (right now) and I looked him in the eye and said, "Can you understand why I couldn't (not wouldn't) possibly agree with this? For a second, can you see into my world, and realize that if I believe that, I might as well cease to exist?" I told him that I understood why HE thought that, and why he needed to think that for HIS survival, but if I accepted that notion, then my work, what I see in myself everyday, what gets me out of bed, would be futile...it was a moment of truth for both of us. I dare say, it was a moment of real understanding of ourselves AND each other simultaneously. Maybe you had to be there, or maybe you've been there before...it was a great moment to have on my birthday because I felt that the day was a real coming of age, rite of passage, etc. Not intentionally, but covertly...like a glimpse into my inner life, seeing what continues to make me tick, what my struggles are, etc.
There were a lot of drunk people and it was like an intellectual orgy. Several times we highlighted the fact that most of us were the one person (or one of few) in our groups back home who thought this way, and coming here, being able to talk to hundreds of other people who think this way, is enlightening...we can finally get past the basics that we've been struggling with at home, and get further into it. We can see solutions, comfort, action, love right before our very eyes...there's even a change of taking it for granted! Amazing...okay, really, I'm done now...more when I get back.

Had an awesome birthday yesterday! Thanks to everyone who called or wrote! We partied last night and today we are off to Trees For Life, a conservation project that helps the Caledonian Forest. It should be amazing, of course.
Since I'll be gone, I won't be able to blog or email, so you can catch up on reading! If you do email me, please don't send me jpegs or anything til I get back, as my inbox will most surely bounce messages back. If that starts happening, then please be patient til I get back. I hope everyone is enjoying the blog...

I want to be clear and honest that it's not all perfectly wonderful here. While I am learning how the world is crumbling on the outside, I am also experiencing a sort of crumbling on the inside. We have what's called "Group Attunement" where we check in and talk about what's happening with us personally, as well as in the group. I am well versed in my issues, defenses, and emotions and I shared that I am used to a far more emotional environment. My community in Seattle has seen me at my edge numerous times, and either helped me to fly or been there after I've fallen. It's a hard transition to be here, with different people, who know less of my process and methods. All my defenses that I had at home, are here with me. I bared these to the group though, knowing fully well that I had already started to transfer/project onto them challenges that I was facing at home. I already explained the first week that I have a hard time trusting. That links into my trust of others, myself, the universe, etc. I have always come out on top, and yet the trust that that will continue is still quite a challenge! I have abundance all around me and yet I still have a hard time sharing. I am perfectly fine feeling xyz, and yet I am embarrassed to share that with others (so am I really perfectly fine feeling?). I know I am full of light and love, and yet I think that's arrogant to express outwardly. It's more than a challenge. It's THE challenge. To come into myself enough so that these things can't have such a tight grip on me anymore. That's probably the main reason I came here. I know that I was keen on college credit and writing, but I have to say that being out of my element, gaining some intense perspective, is really what drives me. How can I write if I don't explore this part of me? How can I graduate from college without an education of myself? That's what I think about holistic education. It's not just an objective accumulation of data in a personal format. It's about how I educate myself, how I challenge my fears, how I support myself in these pursuits, how I reward myself when I have overcome something new, how I continue to pursue new things...a teacher can't grade me on that, but I can acknowledge it in myself and with that knowledge, continue to expand myself. So I pass.

Happy birthday to me!
It's early in the am, and already I have received several birthday wishes...bringing me to tears, because I rarely spend my b-day away from home and family and friends. It's weird, to say the least, but my friends here are treating me well. Party, cupcakes, massage, and a surprise breakfast that I'm pretending not to know about...:) So I'm happy and feel really good.

I've been slow on writing about my time here...lots has been happening. On Wednesday we talked more about Food and Farming (which I thought was going to be boring, but turns out, it is REALLY interesting). We talked about what's happening in the world, GMOs, CSAs, (and other acronyms), etc.

I learned that the development of a plant closely relates to the development of a human child/person. They need to establish roots, grow tall (in order to get nutrients), develop their attractiveness, etc. It's an interesting link to make when most of the time I go around and live this compartamentalized life, where things are definitely separate from each other. Farming is just another metaphor for life, the relationship we have (or don't have) with farming and our food only mirrors how we deal with things. Human relationship in, with, and within farming drastically alters our perception of food, nourishment, and ecology. I hadn't really understood (or let's face it, cared) about my food and where it comes from. But as we are talking with real farmers and gardners, it suddenly occurs to me, if I believe that energy is important to notice and respect, then the people who grow, harvest, and cook my food are right there, in my life. If there is negative energy being put into my food (or no energy at all, in the case of large corporations simply manufacturing and not acutally connecting with the process), then that energy is transferred into me, by way of eating. Hmm, that's disturbing to say the least. I wasn't really buying organic food with that intention. And organic, although imp. isn't the only imp. factor. Large corps. are getting into organic now, but not employing any different methods: proper wages, connection to land, biodynamics, healthy rel'ps with people, etc. So it's important to know where my food comes from, who grows it, how they grow it, how they harvest it, when they harvest it, and how they feel about harvesting. I know, you might be thinking that that's over the top, that this is silly, but I've gone over it many times and I believe this isn't as trivial as it sounds. Over the last few days and weeks here, I realize that work in the US has no soul. Or very little. We go to this place, do these tasks, talk to a few people, go home, unwind, sleep, and start again. A common phrase here is "Work is love in action." It may sounds corny, but think about it. It's true. It could be true. We can make it true. Things get done around here with clarity, ease, efficiency, and a whole lot of love. It's not always happy at times, but there is room to be human in our work. For instance, I had started my cycle and it was not a good day, but I told my work crew that I needed to work sitting down because my back hurt, and they were more than helpful and accomodating. I didn't end up working at all, for another reason, but it wasn't random. And no one rushes me, no one corrects my methods, no one is angry at me for not completing my tasks. They all get done somehow. And it is indeed with love.
How can I love my job when I have to do this and that, when I don't like my co-workers, when I'm unemployed, you ask?
Work is love in action. I didn't write Job is love in action. It's the work you do. If you don't enjoy the work, then don't do it. Really. If you don't LOVE what you do, if you don't get to work each day with the hope and knowledge of the learning that will happen therein, if you don't think you are contributing, then think about what you DO love...and go do that. Not in a drop everything and quit, way. Think about what brings you pleasure. Some people like organizing, get satisfaction from that, can do that for people who will appreciate it. Other people, like myself, don't have a job but I am now willing to put love into the work I do do, in school for instance.
Part of this love is with the people we encounter. If the relationships we have aren't sustainable, how will we be able to stay and enjoy our jobs? How will we be able to get new jobs? And I know that our culture doesn't exactly support this change. I came here to find this, but I came here knowing that part of my work was to come back and teach this, demonstrate this, more likely, and I want to talk about it, share feelings about the struggle, and work on the solution.
Part of the work I feel called to do is write. Another part is make people laugh. And still another part is to call people into their light, so that we can actually bring about real change. It's possible. I see it happening all around me. Not just here, but back in Seattle, as well. I know things are changing.
We talked about Genetically Modified food...and I'll tell you, it made me pretty angry and emotional. Messing with my food, telling me it's about making it pest-resistant, claiming to be helping less fortunate people...those things made me so angry, I couldn't sit still in my seat. I brought up what our (my) responsibility is regarding something like this and a friend of mine said I should write about it. When I chose to Write for Sustainable Community (my area of concentration at Antioch), I had a vague idea of what that meant. But being here, listening to people, becoming more and more conscious in myself, seeing what's really happening (both good and bad), has clarified my work that much more. It's not just that I write what's happening, but that I take seriously the possibility of healing with words. Not just healing sadness, but bringing people closer together, catalyzing for change, opening up forums for communication (in whatever medium). This manipulation of food for profit is not okay. Food is a basic need and it's being controlled by the same people who are controlling how much clean air we breathe, water we drink, etc. I was doing a semi-thorough job of ignoring the fact that this affects me personally. 'I'll just buy better water, eat organic food, or not get alarmed by this cause it's probably not a big deal." That's exactly the attitude that feeds the industry. If I claim that it's not important to me to eat with my morals and values intact, then I am a customer of GMs, inorganic food, poorly paid workers who ingest pesticides like I ingest oxygen. When will it affect me? What has to happen to me for me to realize that this is important?
It sounds depressing (it is) and hopeless (it's not). It makes me ANGRY (which most things don't since I have this "it's not happening to me" attitude) and I can finally understand why everyone at PCC keeps talking about it...
I used to weigh the cheaper cost of veggies at a supermarket vs. the organic food at the Co-op. Do I save money or save my body? What do I spend the money on when I "save" it? Going to the doctor? Getting a massage, because I am stressed out? Going to a movie to forget about the fact that my food has been messed with in order to get more money? Hmm. I have to wonder...I don't want to come home and go back to living like I was before. It will make this experience just another experience, when I want it to change my life instead. I can't change the world with a switchover to organic produce, but I can start to talk about it with people, discuss, learn, and grow...which is more than a movie or GM food can do.
I've been talking to you, my community, about more intetional ways of strengthening our bonds...but I am serious about this. Some ideas I had were a dinner collective, tool share, car share, movie/book share, conversation salons, some sort of co-housing, and I'm sure many more...I want to open it up to you, to gather with me and start talking about how we CAN change the ways we live, without giving up our true selves. If only to discuss it at the moment over email (that won't hurt or bind you into any long-term legal contracts!). I know I've already shared some of these ideas with people, and it "sounded like a good idea" but I, myself, never really followed through. I want to challenge all of us to revisit these things (and bring more to the table) because I really do have faith that, at least the people I know personally, we can actually address these things and make some sort of difference. I'll be emailing soon (maybe setting up some sort of listserv thingy or whatever those are called, to be a bit more formal)...I don't want to send a group email because I think this should be voluntary, if you aren't "ready" then the group won't be sustainable. I have a few people in mind who I'd like to start at least brainstorming with, and I will email them. If you don't get an email and want to join, then PLEASE email me and I will help you get involved. This doesn't have to be drastic or alienating, it can be as slow and involved as YOU want. But I want to make a commitment to at least start being more open with my struggles and see if anyone else has some, and if we can come up with solutions...
Needless to say, I am floored by the way my mind is starting to reorganize. And yet, I don't feel as if I have changed. I have only begun shifting my perceptions. I don't see change as this Type A kind of activity. I can't wake up one day, changed. But I can change my perceptions. I can allow the pain of the world to affect me. And in affecting me, I can choose to be proactive. There is always a possibility (and fear) of depression or paralyzation...but in groups of people, especially people who have a foundation of love, it doesn't have to be. When I feel pain, I can seek support. There is more than enough of that. No GM anything will change that. As I spend more and more time here, I am beginning to see the power in love (real love, not just some idealistic, outdated, fake love), understanding, acceptance, and intentionality. It's possible, I know it is. I can feel it. Come with me.


We visited EarthShare yesterday. It's an organic farm run by someone who used to be involved in The Foundation but left to pursue this. I normally don't get into the farm thing. I appreciate my food and all, but really don't have any desire to be on, or near a farm. Of course, this "field trip" changed my view. It was fun (!) to see how the crops grew, what was needed for their health and survival, the tricky methods of organic farming (people become intense problem solvers, networkers, and inventors-which of course interests me), and lots of other stuff. We actually got to collect dried onions from one field and I thoroughly enjoyed it (although, I must say that they need onsite massage therapists since it's hard work for the back!). Mathis told us how they use pigs to work the land (ingenuis!). After being at the farm, we came back and cooked food for the community, connecting the notion of harvesting with cooking, completing the cycle by eating. It was so fun. To be in the kitchen preparing food with so much love and good energy. We were making jokes and laughing and learning how to cut beans and wash potatoes in this funny machine...it was great to see how important every aspect of community is. Not just farming, or cooking, or gardening or homecare, but ALL of it has a place in what makes life so incredible.
CSAs (Community Supported Agriculture) are really important to the world of organic agriculture. It keeps produce local, organic, and connected to the people who eat the food. I am excited to come home and buy from a CSA and hopefully get to work the land a little as part of my payment (and enjoyment). I had an idea to make it an event that friends and family could participate in (you don't have to necessarily join a CSA), just to connect back to where our food comes from. Oh, I know, it's "farm work" and that's just not going to fit into your city life...one day won't hurt. And plus, it feels really good to go and work (and play!) with friends. We are LUCKY in Seattle because we have so many organic farms, CSAs, health-conscious peeps, co-ops, etc. Taking advantage of all that is what will keep it around.
Organic food is expensive!
I live far from a co-op!
I didn't start reading your blog to hear your soapbox speeches!
My cat is hungry and I have to go and feed her!

I know, I know. Trust me. I've been an undercover (and not so undercover) cynic for years...but maybe if we go together, we can learn to enjoy ourselves, save money (cause we won't be so isolated and depressed!), and actually work in things that make us happy and positively impactful. I see it, it's possible, tiny steps at a time.
I guess my birthday wish is that we try. Just to see if we can. I'll let go, if it's not possible, but everything is worth some effort...esp. if it benefits all of us.
All right, enough of me...think about it, write about it, write ME about it, ask questions, struggle a little with change, risk a little with change, and let's see if something comes about.

Yesterday we talked about what sustainability meant to us. It's always an interesting discussion. There are certain ideas about it that are common. No chemicals, local production, organic, bioregional, etc. I talked about the balance between exporting and producing local goods. People in many places in the world can't produce their own stuff anymore, so how does that work? I also brought up hydroponics and how sustainable that is...there was some opinion that because the water was simply nutrients and not actual "earth" that it wasn't really the same as organic, bio-dynamic farming. Rudolph Steiner came up with biodynamic farming, where spirituality is included with the process of farming. But my argument was that what if we started to have a relationship with the water, doing the same thing we do with soil? Can't it then be bio-dynamic? Is it only earth we can connect to that way?
"Biodynamics is a science of life-forces, a recognition of the basic principles at work in nature, and an approach to agriculture which takes these principles into account to bring about balance and healing. In a very real way, then, Biodynamics is an ongoing path of knowledge rather than an assemblage of methods and techniques." -Biodynamics (Stella Natura)
Also "Biodynamics is part of the work of Rudolf Steiner, known as anthroposophy - a new approach to science which integrates precise observation of natural phenomena, clear thinking, and knowledge of the spirit. It offers an account of the spiritual history of the Earth as a living being, and describes the evolution of the constitution of humanity and the kingdoms of nature."
We're learning about food and farming...we spent time walking in the garden and it was magnificent. Such beautiful food and flowers!
I have more pictures than words, I guess!

I went to go sit by this pond, to watch passively the life before me. But when I got there, I immediately lied down, with my face as close to the water as possible. I didn't want to watch, I wanted to be there, a part of the ecosystem. I stared into the water, and noticed that even with the supposed stillness of the pond, there was constant motion. Two snails were enveloped in each other, insects skidding across the water, fish below inching closer to me, exploring their surroundings. I simply laid there and became just another part of their world. I was still and the 10 minutes slipped by. A bird flew so close to me, my hair russled. It perched nearby to drink some water. All of us just doing what we do, living our lives, nothing disrupted. If I only knew peace this way all the time...

We did this walking exercise in our group. Initially, we were all walking around in the room, averting eyes, pretending we had to get somewhere, and our focaliser is telling us each time we stop to look the person we're in front of, in the eyes. Easy enough. "This person is someone you love..." And he the next phrase he says as I am looking a friend and fellow student in the eyes is, "Something you're doing might kill this person one day." I swallowed hard and couldn't keep my eyes on him. They started welling up with tears...because right then I started listing those things which might kill him one day and my heart was heavy. There was such truth in that that I was ashamed. Do I see that in the people on the street that I catch with my eyes? No...I just keep on walking, thinking of mundane things, the next meal, the ride home from school, the bills in the mailbox...but kill someone? Something I did...do? Then the next person we "looked" at was helping the world. And the person after that was working with us to help the world. Talk about a grounding experience.

We did another exercise where we "walked back through history, connecting to our ancestors." I strangely felt really good when I did this exercise. I saw all the people before me, telling me things about themselves that I recognized as parts of myself. It crossed cultures and activities. I felt that I was still pursuing the endeavors of people in my past...maybe freer than they had ever been...I am free to choose, to act, to tell the truth, to live the truth, to connect with many people, ecosystems, etc. It felt good to go back to the beginning of time and feel hopeful and not depressed. It's tough right now...in the middle of environmental crisis, not to mention the crisis of the people of the world...but I feel that I am finally doing something about it, which is feeling as much as I can, as deeply as I can, and as willingly as I can. Action is important, but if you can't feel the pain, how can you act on it? Joanna Macy talks about feeling the pain of the world, letting it in to the places we protect and try to hide. But if we let it in, we feel compassion, we are moved to act, we relate to what we are doing to ourselves with every movement we make. If we act in love, that love ripples out just like if we act in hate, that ripples out as well. And it's not a distant "love" or "hate." It's more simple than that. If we love ourselves, if we love that we can survive our mistakes, or can apologize or forgive, or learn something new after 65 years of the same pattern, if we love that we feel deeply, or even if we love the way our mouth curls when we smile...THAT love is what ripples out to find that in others. It's a truthful love. You don't have to love everything, but there are too many things to love, to dwell on hate. And hate doesn't have to be open anger, it can be the way you nitpick at yourself for those few extra pounds, or the way your eyes sit on your face, or the way you said that nasty thing to someone you love...hate is conniving...it sneaks in to the tiniest places, places where love belongs. And all you have to do is move the love into where hate is, crowd it out, tell it that it doesn't belong here, or here, or even here. One small step at a time.
As I was weeding yesterday, I realized that I wasn't attacking the weeds, I was simply taking them up, one at a time. I spent about 3 hours in a space of 6 feet by 3 feet. Giving the plants and flowers more space, cleaning them up, appreciating the beauty they offer up just by being there. When we work here, it's not with the intent of accomplishment. It's love in action. How can I/we do that at home? How can working on the computer be an act of love? How can housecleaning by a way to love ourselves/ our family? How can cooking that meal express how much we appreciate the oxygen we breathe, the laughter we feel in our bellies, the tears we cry for the preciousness of life? One action at a time. Findhorn is concentrated, for sure. I've never felt so happy cleaning, weeding, fixing, before. But it's inside me...I found it there when I decided to look closer. Simple as that.

I wake early to write now, a form of meditation for myself before I start the day. I ground into the words, remembering why I came here. It was me I came in search of and it was me who found myself. I haven't done anything new here. No strange quest rituals or guidance from angels, God, or whomever...it's my own still voice that has time and space here to finally be heard. It's been speaking all along. I am noticing that after the initial stage of friendliness, my defenses are coming out...I am noticing the transition inside myself. Where does the insecurity come from? Where does the constant feeling of loss hide, when I am introduced to people? How can the fear of being lost, being looked over, being forgotten, move into something else? When will I *feel* abundance, rather than hope for it one day? I am watching the slow transition, hoping that it won't go completely, that I can catch it before it takes over again. Naming my fears help. Calling them out to defend themselves, to truthfully explain why they are still here, even after they have been proven irrelevant. It doesn't mean I'm any less scared to face them, it just means I am tired of giving them my life. I am able to see my gifts here just as clearly, and when more energy is spent protecting, rather than offering up my gifts, then I know there is imbalance. There is time.

Each day so many things run through my heart and mind...maybe they're not running anymore, but floating. And I am seeing that this is how I am. I am seeking, finding, losing, showing all the time. I won't be "perfect." I AM perfect. The perfection lies in the cyclical motion of life. The balance between birth and death. Not birth and death of people, but in everything. In the birth of defenses and the death of them. The birth of gifts and the loss of them. There is greiving and celebrating. All of it must be included in the order of life, otherwise we are standing on one side of the boat.

I'll probably have mixed feelings about coming here, but that's the point. Some things I already knew, some things I forgot, some things I haven't ever seen before...every experience shows me that.