Man. Can we say roller coaster? Now, I know that this blog has a mix of personal and not so personal stuff and this entry is pretty personal...so beware of the intensity. Although, for most of you, this will be a relieving entry, if you've had any experience with my defenses...
I won't go into TOO much detail, as it's not really necessary...but the jist is that for most of my life, I have had a hard time telling people my truth. Not to be confused with "the" truth. I'm pretty good at pointing out that. But where it gets sticky is telling people (groups, family, friends, etc) how I feel. This has been a lifelong pattern...mostly around talking about my sexual abuse and feelings about the death of my dad. I didn't tell anyone (my family) about being sexual abused because I'm sure I felt ashamed. It was a dirty thing to me at the time, and being honest about it to other people made me fear that I would taint them as well. Better not to spread that around, I figured. Not to mention, my dad was dying at the time and I guess I thought it wasn't a good idea to burden my family with something that heavy. What responsibility I thought I had to keep things "running smoothly." I have always assumed the role of peacemaker, and keeping things to myself (if I thought they might have caused pain) was just part of that.
NOTE: I realize that I am telling this like a story, and it didn't really happen that way at all...this is a much nicer version...
And so the pattern began that if I thought my truth telling would be a burden, then I wouldn't do it. I kept it inside for as long as possible. With the sexual abuse, I did it for 17 years...but as I realized, the not telling was way more harmful than the telling. I've suffered many a physical ailment from stuffing the heaviness, hurt, loneliness, loss, and fear back into my body. I did this to protect myself. I also created an excellent sense of humor with which to cope. And cope I did. I used it to gain friends, ease pain, disarm potential threats, and even repel people (sarcasm has its downsides). I became very good at decieving...I decieved myself the best. I thought if I could just run far and fast enough, I could escape having to tell the truth. Not only did I not talk about the death and sexual abuse, I learned to keep in any other truths that might disrupt a system. I've done it a good chunk of times...enough to disrupt friendships, and cause some intense physical pain.
Enter Findhorn.
I came here under the guise of "school" and "credit" and that has been the smallest part of this experience. Yesterday, in Community Psychology, we were talking about how it's been in the group so far and I became mute. Most people said it was going well...and I couldn't speak up and say I was having a shitty time. I couldn't tell them that I felt compromised, crowded, alone, fearful, totally out of my element, and frustrated. It got caught in my throat and became this huge lump. My body shooked to explode and I fought it with all my might. My awareness was such that with every word my teacher said, it related to the exact experience I was having at that moment. The tears fell but I refused to speak up. I would fight this with every ounce of energy I had. I ran out of class so fast...didn't want to look at my classmates /roommates/friends...I just wanted to go and cry and explode on my own...I finally understood what had happened when I was a kid, how I cut off from the people closest to me because I perceived that telling the truth would possibly kill someone. It was such a logical thought then, but I have outgrown it. And so it came up this semester. I went through the whole process and this morning, no longer able to stay silent (I got this MASSIVE headache, shut off from everyone, cried alone in my room, and feel asleep at 8pm...which is NOT like me), I let it all tumble out...man, to observe myself so vulnerable was almost excruciating to watch. My teacher (also a family therapist, thank goodness) was amazing...knew just what to do and say...and as I shared with the class, I felt better. I feared that my sharing would bore, bring down, over-intensify the group. But luckily, I wasn't the only one feeling stuff...I was playing it out for the group as well...which is a nice gesture (although an unintentional one for sure) but it doesn't make it any easier. I think that was the hardest therapeutic experience I've had...and it's only the beginning. I told them the truth this time, after a huge explosion, but my struggle is to tell the truth when it's a small thing, rather than just a huge thing. And to not think people will hate me cause I am serious every once in a while. And equally, to quell that little girl inside of me who thinks the truth will kill people, or make them ashamed of me, of make them think I am a bad, dirty, problematic, weak girl. Being vulnerable makes me strong and I need to hold that paradox close to me. Letting people see me hurt doesn't make them pity me, it only increases their love of me. I allow myself to be loved, touched, held, and supported when I can open myself up at the most crucial points...telling the truth is okay. It may cause some discomfort, but I can learn to go slow and be gentle with all parties.
So class was GOOD today...I feel SO much better...I feel a lot freer, more grounded, loved, seen, held, and happy. I have to keep practicing.
Tonight I made dinner for the group (and 3 others)...it was awesome. Yummy peanut sauce tofu. It was nice to have that experience this morning and then be able to cook tonight. It was so good to feel more sincere with people. My work shift was awesome, the sun was out, I got to cook, I got mail (!), and I don't have to do dishes...hmm...feels good. So that's that. I'm sure I'll revisit this more this semester...I need to, that's for sure, to keep in check about it.
Thanks for reading...that wasn't too bad, was it?

Awesome open mic tonight. True Findhorn nature...fiddle players, drumming, poetry, off-key singing (but well applauded), storytelling, free stylin', and crazy dancing. Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto. So funny. It was fun to watch. I plan on reading next week Gotta write some new stuff...I like the audience. Time for Seinfeld before bed.

I can't sleep. It's 4:30am and I am searching the internet for stuff for my impending trip to paris, london, amsterdam. Had hot cocoa and now can't sleep. It's too cold to continue to stay awake though. Looked up a bunch of stuff and now I need to go to bed cause there's not much else to do. Grr. Well, I better go and do that.

Hello my readers! I'm FINALLY back home from a long week on Trees for Life. Man oh man. Just between me, you, and the entire world wide web, it was quite a backcountry experience. It's hard to be with 12 people in cramped quarters, eating the same food for 7 days...the water there has peat (as in peat moss) in it and it can be quite disconcerting to see brown water coming out of the taps. And when I flushed the toilet it came back brown...ew. Although, I was told that the brown water was better than the water we had back at Findhorn...oh well. Enough complaining...what did I enjoy? After a few hours perspective (and a hot shower, clean clothes, and an appropriate amount of personal space) I want to note the beauty of the original Caledonian Forest. It reminded me of Dr. Seuss...which was just so cool. We saw a bunch of rainbows, as the clouds and sun played hide and seek. The rain, although treacherous at times, provided us with tons of greenery to look at. After I adapted Wellies (or Wellingtons...rubber boots) as my shoes of choice, it was fun to walk through streams, puddles, and 6 inches of mud...now I know why little kids wear rubber boots...they're great!
It was interesting to cut down sitka spruce (sp?) and rhodadendrons in favor of the native species. It was weird to see trees from home be the invasive species...and isn't it strange that at home, english ivy is an invasive species? Hmm..some things were meant to be cross-cultural, and others weren't I guess. Which brings me to my more personal moments...as I am retelling my experiences from this past week to certain people, I realize that there's no use in brushing it off and saying "It was fun," cause in reality, it was a trying time for me. I've been here for a month now...it has seemed like much longer at times...and I am finally seeing the real shit underneath the niceties (sp?). I can see why the niceties are necessary, but I can't always go along with it, since it's hard for me to express myself when I know that there is a lot of surface stuff and not a lot of REAL stuff. Even if the real stuff is nasty, I prefer it the fake stuff. Go figure. I am getting more and more clear about my stuff here...as I've been writing. Today, on the way back home, I realized that I spend a lot of time looking for my flaws in other people. I know intellectually that other people are reflections of myself, and yet I fail to realize that it is both positive AND negative...so while I am clear about the shit about myself that I am critical of, I can also look at people and see that I might actually be able to see the good things about them...and honestly, it is even possible to see that the thing I want to criticize is really the thing I embody in a positive way too...sarcasm is my way of making heavy things lighter, my silliness is latent but still prevalent, my overly optimistic view keeps my dreams alive, my general trusting attitude keeps me healthy and in check...so it's not only about coming here and finding out what my hidden flaws are (and not so hidden!)...it's about seeing the beauty that is in my humanity...that follows me when I am sad, faithless, merciless, unforgiving, and arrogant.
We did a lot of physical labor that I wasn't really into (some things never change) and my inner perfectionist was on high alert, careful to dwell and point out every single thing I was slacking about...and I checked it out several times only to receive in return peaceful acceptance and gratitude for the work I HAD done...and I was the ONLY one getting down on myself. Hmm. So I spend quite a bit of time nitpicking myself to death, because maybe I feel if I do it, then people will sympathize or I'll have covered any nitpicking they might do about me and my work...but in reality, it is up to them to come to me about any problems...and doing it to myself, to save them the effort is really inefficient, and possibly insulting. I don't tell myself what good I am doing. I don't congratulate myself on helping keep the group's morale up, providing comic relief when we are covered in midges (small, nat-like, mosquito-like bugs that swarm around anything that can't stand them), and being honest about my feelings about working (which, when given the choice, I opted to not work, not walk, not participate, etc). I took care of my needs surprisingly well, making sure I ate well, slept well, read alone, etc. See, that was good! I didn't obsess about email (and the lack of it) and I didn't complain overtly. It's amazing that what you choose to dwell on, multiplies. :)
I'm starting a "sugar fast" tomorrow. I put it in quotes cause...well, cause I put everything in quotes! I'll just be off sugar for a week...don't be surprised if I write more than usual, replacing one addiction for the other...:) I'm in really good spirits today and now that there is another computer (so everyone isn't hounding me for mine), I am way more relaxed. I can actually write during daylight hours...
Several people have asked me if I want anything sent to me here...my room is bare and if people are so inclined, send me some stuff to put on my walls...I'm not picky, as anything you send, will remind me of you. :) I had other things but forgot them now that I am writing...isn't that always how it is?
I finished reading the 5th Harry Potter...what a trip it is to read in the UK...fun! I thoroughly enjoyed all 762 pages of it.
My next book is The Pilgrimage by Paulo Coelho...he wrote The Alchemist. It's really good so far. I am still voraciously reading. It's nice to read here. Esp. spiritual books. There is a force field around Findhorn that heightens any experiences I have and it's nice actually. I get to experience the things I read about...I'm sure you want an example...those are hard to write...I guess finding the book The Pilgrimage is a good one. I went for the massage I got for my b-day, and saw this book. It was about the author's pilgrimage...and it's funny but in a way, coming here is my pilgrimage. Not to something, but to myself...to the depths of myself. And there are guides and healers and signs along the way, but ultimately, it is up to me to move forward, to seek myself...sure, at home I'd be able to connect these things, but in isolation (well, as close as I can get to it here) it is so much more apparent, my path. And I am grateful for this space to do it. I have mixed feelings about being here in general...sometimes I am frustrated that I cannot seem to do intense work like this at home, and other times I am clear that travel is just that, a space to slow down, appreciate the things that are coming up, and be happy to hear new people, accents, cultures, etc. It's good to keep in check about that stuff...just so that I don't waste my time being negative...which, I am a lot sometimes...but luckily, I am allowed time off from that...I might be able to fire myself completely from Negativeland one of these days...does my blog bore you? Is there stuff you want me to talk more about? This is for me as much as it is for me...that's why my concentration in school is Writing for Sustainable Community...am I sustaining you? I am getting more and more clear about Writing for Sustainable Community...I see it as a writing for, as in, to keep a community connected, updated, etc as well, as a writing for, meaning writing myself for the community. I guess the latter is just something I am hoping for...that my writing, that my truth-telling, works to reflect for others...I am hoping to write in order to heal...heal what? I'm not sure. It heals me, for sure...does it heal you? I wonder...feedback would be lovely...

I forgot to talk about the LaStone massage that I got for my b-day from my peeps here. It was amazing. I laid down on hot stones and then had hot stones placed on me (man, I love heat!) and then got massaged. Then I flipped over and had hot stones placed on me and then got massaged with really cold and hot stones. It was so nice. While I was on the table I had a little chat at my feet. They are always cold and for the life of me I cannot find out how to get more circulation flowing to them. So I asked them why they were so cold and they said (yes, my feet "said" this...what can I say, I come to Findhorn and my feet start talking) that I they were afraid to touch the earth because they wouldn't be able to be supported. And they wouldn't be able to protect themselves from harm. Touching down to earth means trusting and they weren't feeling very trusting I guess. So I asked them, if they could suspend their fear for a second and trust that the earth would be able to not only support them, but also care for them (me). They said they'd think about it, give ti a trial run maybe. We'll see how that goes. Later, in my more conscious state, I felt really sad about this little chat. I actually believe(d) it. It's really hard for me to touch down, to feel what is happening in the world, to make connections. If I do touch down, I am afraid of what might change (or realizing what is already changing...). It's not only the connection between me to earth, but from Earth to me. All the things that I have been so "successfully" avoiding (pain, struggle, degredation of the environment, abuse of women, exploitation of children...etc) will actually touch me, in my innermost core, and that is a scary thought. To FEEL that (as opposed to intellectualize it) is a totally diff. sensation. Although, the exciting and inspiring part is that when I begin to let that in, is when I will feel moved to act. And I'm guessing, only then will I feel PURPOSE coming through me. And maybe my feet might actually start to get warmer...
The prospect of being moved to act, instead of falsely trying to trick, coerce, pressure, or guilt myself into acting, is an interesting one. I knew all the shit that's been going down, but as long as I remained separate enough from it, I had an excuse not to do anything about it (even if it was a bad excuse). I feel much more drawn to write and/or make people laugh...still seeing where that goes...kinda like the "not knowing" a little...
So I had an excellent birthday...feel good in my body, mind, soul, and spirit. My friends were all amazing, all over the world. It's nice to feel such true and solid love. It was hard to receive at times, being that it's usually hard to receive when it's not my b-day, but I tried really hard. My Scotland peeps went around and each said something nice about me...it was so awesome.
Yesterday we walked around the dairy farm in silence (a partnership b/w Earthshare, Findhorn, and Nick's farm) and it was an intense experience. I really didn't know I would feel such a connection to the cows, chickens, pony, dog, land, etc. Not that I gave up meat (had Chicken for dinner!), but I realize more and more how imp. it is to buy with your conscience and not just run down to the market to buy your faceless, soulless food. Blanketed understanding of food, farming, ecology, impact, and action needed is really essential for the whole food experience. I can appreciate the speed and low cost of fast food, supermarkets, etc, but it's harder for me to really ignore the facts anymore. Everyone should come and do this program.
Strangely, I don't feel depressed as much as I feel empowered. Funny how that is. Statistics depress me, but I usually shut down before I get angry enough to change. That's the trick. Stay open that last bit, where it touches your head and heart, and see what makes you boil...it is that that you are "called" to do. Maybe I should write a book "How to Change Your Entire Life in 3 Months" Or, maybe I should just change my life and carry on...
I actually SAW free range chickens and cows. Interesting. Not that I was puzzled about how that worked, but I was surprised at how much better everything felt around me, knowing that the animals had free run of the place. It was even pretty amusing. I even tasted unpastuerized milk (sshh, don't tell the FDA of Scotland) It was yummy. We had this awesome cheese, and eating it was worth the lactose intolerance.
On the emotional front, I feel solid. I named my demons on Wed. and since then they have quieted some. I'm less afraid of being myself, no matter how crazy it looks. A friend of mine wanted me to confirm the theory that men had more influence on/in the world than women (right now) and I looked him in the eye and said, "Can you understand why I couldn't (not wouldn't) possibly agree with this? For a second, can you see into my world, and realize that if I believe that, I might as well cease to exist?" I told him that I understood why HE thought that, and why he needed to think that for HIS survival, but if I accepted that notion, then my work, what I see in myself everyday, what gets me out of bed, would be futile...it was a moment of truth for both of us. I dare say, it was a moment of real understanding of ourselves AND each other simultaneously. Maybe you had to be there, or maybe you've been there before...it was a great moment to have on my birthday because I felt that the day was a real coming of age, rite of passage, etc. Not intentionally, but covertly...like a glimpse into my inner life, seeing what continues to make me tick, what my struggles are, etc.
There were a lot of drunk people and it was like an intellectual orgy. Several times we highlighted the fact that most of us were the one person (or one of few) in our groups back home who thought this way, and coming here, being able to talk to hundreds of other people who think this way, is enlightening...we can finally get past the basics that we've been struggling with at home, and get further into it. We can see solutions, comfort, action, love right before our very eyes...there's even a change of taking it for granted! Amazing...okay, really, I'm done now...more when I get back.

Had an awesome birthday yesterday! Thanks to everyone who called or wrote! We partied last night and today we are off to Trees For Life, a conservation project that helps the Caledonian Forest. It should be amazing, of course.
Since I'll be gone, I won't be able to blog or email, so you can catch up on reading! If you do email me, please don't send me jpegs or anything til I get back, as my inbox will most surely bounce messages back. If that starts happening, then please be patient til I get back. I hope everyone is enjoying the blog...

I want to be clear and honest that it's not all perfectly wonderful here. While I am learning how the world is crumbling on the outside, I am also experiencing a sort of crumbling on the inside. We have what's called "Group Attunement" where we check in and talk about what's happening with us personally, as well as in the group. I am well versed in my issues, defenses, and emotions and I shared that I am used to a far more emotional environment. My community in Seattle has seen me at my edge numerous times, and either helped me to fly or been there after I've fallen. It's a hard transition to be here, with different people, who know less of my process and methods. All my defenses that I had at home, are here with me. I bared these to the group though, knowing fully well that I had already started to transfer/project onto them challenges that I was facing at home. I already explained the first week that I have a hard time trusting. That links into my trust of others, myself, the universe, etc. I have always come out on top, and yet the trust that that will continue is still quite a challenge! I have abundance all around me and yet I still have a hard time sharing. I am perfectly fine feeling xyz, and yet I am embarrassed to share that with others (so am I really perfectly fine feeling?). I know I am full of light and love, and yet I think that's arrogant to express outwardly. It's more than a challenge. It's THE challenge. To come into myself enough so that these things can't have such a tight grip on me anymore. That's probably the main reason I came here. I know that I was keen on college credit and writing, but I have to say that being out of my element, gaining some intense perspective, is really what drives me. How can I write if I don't explore this part of me? How can I graduate from college without an education of myself? That's what I think about holistic education. It's not just an objective accumulation of data in a personal format. It's about how I educate myself, how I challenge my fears, how I support myself in these pursuits, how I reward myself when I have overcome something new, how I continue to pursue new things...a teacher can't grade me on that, but I can acknowledge it in myself and with that knowledge, continue to expand myself. So I pass.

Happy birthday to me!
It's early in the am, and already I have received several birthday wishes...bringing me to tears, because I rarely spend my b-day away from home and family and friends. It's weird, to say the least, but my friends here are treating me well. Party, cupcakes, massage, and a surprise breakfast that I'm pretending not to know about...:) So I'm happy and feel really good.

I've been slow on writing about my time here...lots has been happening. On Wednesday we talked more about Food and Farming (which I thought was going to be boring, but turns out, it is REALLY interesting). We talked about what's happening in the world, GMOs, CSAs, (and other acronyms), etc.

I learned that the development of a plant closely relates to the development of a human child/person. They need to establish roots, grow tall (in order to get nutrients), develop their attractiveness, etc. It's an interesting link to make when most of the time I go around and live this compartamentalized life, where things are definitely separate from each other. Farming is just another metaphor for life, the relationship we have (or don't have) with farming and our food only mirrors how we deal with things. Human relationship in, with, and within farming drastically alters our perception of food, nourishment, and ecology. I hadn't really understood (or let's face it, cared) about my food and where it comes from. But as we are talking with real farmers and gardners, it suddenly occurs to me, if I believe that energy is important to notice and respect, then the people who grow, harvest, and cook my food are right there, in my life. If there is negative energy being put into my food (or no energy at all, in the case of large corporations simply manufacturing and not acutally connecting with the process), then that energy is transferred into me, by way of eating. Hmm, that's disturbing to say the least. I wasn't really buying organic food with that intention. And organic, although imp. isn't the only imp. factor. Large corps. are getting into organic now, but not employing any different methods: proper wages, connection to land, biodynamics, healthy rel'ps with people, etc. So it's important to know where my food comes from, who grows it, how they grow it, how they harvest it, when they harvest it, and how they feel about harvesting. I know, you might be thinking that that's over the top, that this is silly, but I've gone over it many times and I believe this isn't as trivial as it sounds. Over the last few days and weeks here, I realize that work in the US has no soul. Or very little. We go to this place, do these tasks, talk to a few people, go home, unwind, sleep, and start again. A common phrase here is "Work is love in action." It may sounds corny, but think about it. It's true. It could be true. We can make it true. Things get done around here with clarity, ease, efficiency, and a whole lot of love. It's not always happy at times, but there is room to be human in our work. For instance, I had started my cycle and it was not a good day, but I told my work crew that I needed to work sitting down because my back hurt, and they were more than helpful and accomodating. I didn't end up working at all, for another reason, but it wasn't random. And no one rushes me, no one corrects my methods, no one is angry at me for not completing my tasks. They all get done somehow. And it is indeed with love.
How can I love my job when I have to do this and that, when I don't like my co-workers, when I'm unemployed, you ask?
Work is love in action. I didn't write Job is love in action. It's the work you do. If you don't enjoy the work, then don't do it. Really. If you don't LOVE what you do, if you don't get to work each day with the hope and knowledge of the learning that will happen therein, if you don't think you are contributing, then think about what you DO love...and go do that. Not in a drop everything and quit, way. Think about what brings you pleasure. Some people like organizing, get satisfaction from that, can do that for people who will appreciate it. Other people, like myself, don't have a job but I am now willing to put love into the work I do do, in school for instance.
Part of this love is with the people we encounter. If the relationships we have aren't sustainable, how will we be able to stay and enjoy our jobs? How will we be able to get new jobs? And I know that our culture doesn't exactly support this change. I came here to find this, but I came here knowing that part of my work was to come back and teach this, demonstrate this, more likely, and I want to talk about it, share feelings about the struggle, and work on the solution.
Part of the work I feel called to do is write. Another part is make people laugh. And still another part is to call people into their light, so that we can actually bring about real change. It's possible. I see it happening all around me. Not just here, but back in Seattle, as well. I know things are changing.
We talked about Genetically Modified food...and I'll tell you, it made me pretty angry and emotional. Messing with my food, telling me it's about making it pest-resistant, claiming to be helping less fortunate people...those things made me so angry, I couldn't sit still in my seat. I brought up what our (my) responsibility is regarding something like this and a friend of mine said I should write about it. When I chose to Write for Sustainable Community (my area of concentration at Antioch), I had a vague idea of what that meant. But being here, listening to people, becoming more and more conscious in myself, seeing what's really happening (both good and bad), has clarified my work that much more. It's not just that I write what's happening, but that I take seriously the possibility of healing with words. Not just healing sadness, but bringing people closer together, catalyzing for change, opening up forums for communication (in whatever medium). This manipulation of food for profit is not okay. Food is a basic need and it's being controlled by the same people who are controlling how much clean air we breathe, water we drink, etc. I was doing a semi-thorough job of ignoring the fact that this affects me personally. 'I'll just buy better water, eat organic food, or not get alarmed by this cause it's probably not a big deal." That's exactly the attitude that feeds the industry. If I claim that it's not important to me to eat with my morals and values intact, then I am a customer of GMs, inorganic food, poorly paid workers who ingest pesticides like I ingest oxygen. When will it affect me? What has to happen to me for me to realize that this is important?
It sounds depressing (it is) and hopeless (it's not). It makes me ANGRY (which most things don't since I have this "it's not happening to me" attitude) and I can finally understand why everyone at PCC keeps talking about it...
I used to weigh the cheaper cost of veggies at a supermarket vs. the organic food at the Co-op. Do I save money or save my body? What do I spend the money on when I "save" it? Going to the doctor? Getting a massage, because I am stressed out? Going to a movie to forget about the fact that my food has been messed with in order to get more money? Hmm. I have to wonder...I don't want to come home and go back to living like I was before. It will make this experience just another experience, when I want it to change my life instead. I can't change the world with a switchover to organic produce, but I can start to talk about it with people, discuss, learn, and grow...which is more than a movie or GM food can do.
I've been talking to you, my community, about more intetional ways of strengthening our bonds...but I am serious about this. Some ideas I had were a dinner collective, tool share, car share, movie/book share, conversation salons, some sort of co-housing, and I'm sure many more...I want to open it up to you, to gather with me and start talking about how we CAN change the ways we live, without giving up our true selves. If only to discuss it at the moment over email (that won't hurt or bind you into any long-term legal contracts!). I know I've already shared some of these ideas with people, and it "sounded like a good idea" but I, myself, never really followed through. I want to challenge all of us to revisit these things (and bring more to the table) because I really do have faith that, at least the people I know personally, we can actually address these things and make some sort of difference. I'll be emailing soon (maybe setting up some sort of listserv thingy or whatever those are called, to be a bit more formal)...I don't want to send a group email because I think this should be voluntary, if you aren't "ready" then the group won't be sustainable. I have a few people in mind who I'd like to start at least brainstorming with, and I will email them. If you don't get an email and want to join, then PLEASE email me and I will help you get involved. This doesn't have to be drastic or alienating, it can be as slow and involved as YOU want. But I want to make a commitment to at least start being more open with my struggles and see if anyone else has some, and if we can come up with solutions...
Needless to say, I am floored by the way my mind is starting to reorganize. And yet, I don't feel as if I have changed. I have only begun shifting my perceptions. I don't see change as this Type A kind of activity. I can't wake up one day, changed. But I can change my perceptions. I can allow the pain of the world to affect me. And in affecting me, I can choose to be proactive. There is always a possibility (and fear) of depression or paralyzation...but in groups of people, especially people who have a foundation of love, it doesn't have to be. When I feel pain, I can seek support. There is more than enough of that. No GM anything will change that. As I spend more and more time here, I am beginning to see the power in love (real love, not just some idealistic, outdated, fake love), understanding, acceptance, and intentionality. It's possible, I know it is. I can feel it. Come with me.


We visited EarthShare yesterday. It's an organic farm run by someone who used to be involved in The Foundation but left to pursue this. I normally don't get into the farm thing. I appreciate my food and all, but really don't have any desire to be on, or near a farm. Of course, this "field trip" changed my view. It was fun (!) to see how the crops grew, what was needed for their health and survival, the tricky methods of organic farming (people become intense problem solvers, networkers, and inventors-which of course interests me), and lots of other stuff. We actually got to collect dried onions from one field and I thoroughly enjoyed it (although, I must say that they need onsite massage therapists since it's hard work for the back!). Mathis told us how they use pigs to work the land (ingenuis!). After being at the farm, we came back and cooked food for the community, connecting the notion of harvesting with cooking, completing the cycle by eating. It was so fun. To be in the kitchen preparing food with so much love and good energy. We were making jokes and laughing and learning how to cut beans and wash potatoes in this funny machine...it was great to see how important every aspect of community is. Not just farming, or cooking, or gardening or homecare, but ALL of it has a place in what makes life so incredible.
CSAs (Community Supported Agriculture) are really important to the world of organic agriculture. It keeps produce local, organic, and connected to the people who eat the food. I am excited to come home and buy from a CSA and hopefully get to work the land a little as part of my payment (and enjoyment). I had an idea to make it an event that friends and family could participate in (you don't have to necessarily join a CSA), just to connect back to where our food comes from. Oh, I know, it's "farm work" and that's just not going to fit into your city life...one day won't hurt. And plus, it feels really good to go and work (and play!) with friends. We are LUCKY in Seattle because we have so many organic farms, CSAs, health-conscious peeps, co-ops, etc. Taking advantage of all that is what will keep it around.
Organic food is expensive!
I live far from a co-op!
I didn't start reading your blog to hear your soapbox speeches!
My cat is hungry and I have to go and feed her!

I know, I know. Trust me. I've been an undercover (and not so undercover) cynic for years...but maybe if we go together, we can learn to enjoy ourselves, save money (cause we won't be so isolated and depressed!), and actually work in things that make us happy and positively impactful. I see it, it's possible, tiny steps at a time.
I guess my birthday wish is that we try. Just to see if we can. I'll let go, if it's not possible, but everything is worth some effort...esp. if it benefits all of us.
All right, enough of me...think about it, write about it, write ME about it, ask questions, struggle a little with change, risk a little with change, and let's see if something comes about.

Yesterday we talked about what sustainability meant to us. It's always an interesting discussion. There are certain ideas about it that are common. No chemicals, local production, organic, bioregional, etc. I talked about the balance between exporting and producing local goods. People in many places in the world can't produce their own stuff anymore, so how does that work? I also brought up hydroponics and how sustainable that is...there was some opinion that because the water was simply nutrients and not actual "earth" that it wasn't really the same as organic, bio-dynamic farming. Rudolph Steiner came up with biodynamic farming, where spirituality is included with the process of farming. But my argument was that what if we started to have a relationship with the water, doing the same thing we do with soil? Can't it then be bio-dynamic? Is it only earth we can connect to that way?
"Biodynamics is a science of life-forces, a recognition of the basic principles at work in nature, and an approach to agriculture which takes these principles into account to bring about balance and healing. In a very real way, then, Biodynamics is an ongoing path of knowledge rather than an assemblage of methods and techniques." -Biodynamics (Stella Natura)
Also "Biodynamics is part of the work of Rudolf Steiner, known as anthroposophy - a new approach to science which integrates precise observation of natural phenomena, clear thinking, and knowledge of the spirit. It offers an account of the spiritual history of the Earth as a living being, and describes the evolution of the constitution of humanity and the kingdoms of nature."
We're learning about food and farming...we spent time walking in the garden and it was magnificent. Such beautiful food and flowers!
I have more pictures than words, I guess!

I went to go sit by this pond, to watch passively the life before me. But when I got there, I immediately lied down, with my face as close to the water as possible. I didn't want to watch, I wanted to be there, a part of the ecosystem. I stared into the water, and noticed that even with the supposed stillness of the pond, there was constant motion. Two snails were enveloped in each other, insects skidding across the water, fish below inching closer to me, exploring their surroundings. I simply laid there and became just another part of their world. I was still and the 10 minutes slipped by. A bird flew so close to me, my hair russled. It perched nearby to drink some water. All of us just doing what we do, living our lives, nothing disrupted. If I only knew peace this way all the time...

We did this walking exercise in our group. Initially, we were all walking around in the room, averting eyes, pretending we had to get somewhere, and our focaliser is telling us each time we stop to look the person we're in front of, in the eyes. Easy enough. "This person is someone you love..." And he the next phrase he says as I am looking a friend and fellow student in the eyes is, "Something you're doing might kill this person one day." I swallowed hard and couldn't keep my eyes on him. They started welling up with tears...because right then I started listing those things which might kill him one day and my heart was heavy. There was such truth in that that I was ashamed. Do I see that in the people on the street that I catch with my eyes? No...I just keep on walking, thinking of mundane things, the next meal, the ride home from school, the bills in the mailbox...but kill someone? Something I did...do? Then the next person we "looked" at was helping the world. And the person after that was working with us to help the world. Talk about a grounding experience.

We did another exercise where we "walked back through history, connecting to our ancestors." I strangely felt really good when I did this exercise. I saw all the people before me, telling me things about themselves that I recognized as parts of myself. It crossed cultures and activities. I felt that I was still pursuing the endeavors of people in my past...maybe freer than they had ever been...I am free to choose, to act, to tell the truth, to live the truth, to connect with many people, ecosystems, etc. It felt good to go back to the beginning of time and feel hopeful and not depressed. It's tough right now...in the middle of environmental crisis, not to mention the crisis of the people of the world...but I feel that I am finally doing something about it, which is feeling as much as I can, as deeply as I can, and as willingly as I can. Action is important, but if you can't feel the pain, how can you act on it? Joanna Macy talks about feeling the pain of the world, letting it in to the places we protect and try to hide. But if we let it in, we feel compassion, we are moved to act, we relate to what we are doing to ourselves with every movement we make. If we act in love, that love ripples out just like if we act in hate, that ripples out as well. And it's not a distant "love" or "hate." It's more simple than that. If we love ourselves, if we love that we can survive our mistakes, or can apologize or forgive, or learn something new after 65 years of the same pattern, if we love that we feel deeply, or even if we love the way our mouth curls when we smile...THAT love is what ripples out to find that in others. It's a truthful love. You don't have to love everything, but there are too many things to love, to dwell on hate. And hate doesn't have to be open anger, it can be the way you nitpick at yourself for those few extra pounds, or the way your eyes sit on your face, or the way you said that nasty thing to someone you love...hate is conniving...it sneaks in to the tiniest places, places where love belongs. And all you have to do is move the love into where hate is, crowd it out, tell it that it doesn't belong here, or here, or even here. One small step at a time.
As I was weeding yesterday, I realized that I wasn't attacking the weeds, I was simply taking them up, one at a time. I spent about 3 hours in a space of 6 feet by 3 feet. Giving the plants and flowers more space, cleaning them up, appreciating the beauty they offer up just by being there. When we work here, it's not with the intent of accomplishment. It's love in action. How can I/we do that at home? How can working on the computer be an act of love? How can housecleaning by a way to love ourselves/ our family? How can cooking that meal express how much we appreciate the oxygen we breathe, the laughter we feel in our bellies, the tears we cry for the preciousness of life? One action at a time. Findhorn is concentrated, for sure. I've never felt so happy cleaning, weeding, fixing, before. But it's inside me...I found it there when I decided to look closer. Simple as that.

I wake early to write now, a form of meditation for myself before I start the day. I ground into the words, remembering why I came here. It was me I came in search of and it was me who found myself. I haven't done anything new here. No strange quest rituals or guidance from angels, God, or whomever...it's my own still voice that has time and space here to finally be heard. It's been speaking all along. I am noticing that after the initial stage of friendliness, my defenses are coming out...I am noticing the transition inside myself. Where does the insecurity come from? Where does the constant feeling of loss hide, when I am introduced to people? How can the fear of being lost, being looked over, being forgotten, move into something else? When will I *feel* abundance, rather than hope for it one day? I am watching the slow transition, hoping that it won't go completely, that I can catch it before it takes over again. Naming my fears help. Calling them out to defend themselves, to truthfully explain why they are still here, even after they have been proven irrelevant. It doesn't mean I'm any less scared to face them, it just means I am tired of giving them my life. I am able to see my gifts here just as clearly, and when more energy is spent protecting, rather than offering up my gifts, then I know there is imbalance. There is time.

Each day so many things run through my heart and mind...maybe they're not running anymore, but floating. And I am seeing that this is how I am. I am seeking, finding, losing, showing all the time. I won't be "perfect." I AM perfect. The perfection lies in the cyclical motion of life. The balance between birth and death. Not birth and death of people, but in everything. In the birth of defenses and the death of them. The birth of gifts and the loss of them. There is greiving and celebrating. All of it must be included in the order of life, otherwise we are standing on one side of the boat.

I'll probably have mixed feelings about coming here, but that's the point. Some things I already knew, some things I forgot, some things I haven't ever seen before...every experience shows me that.

I had this dream where this friend of mine (whom I didn't recognize as anyone I know) had this live webcast show and he needed me to fill in for this woman who couldn't be there. She has long blond hair and it was similar to the hair I used to have and she put it up the way I used to. Anyway, my job was to put on this green leather floor length jacket and walk the runway...I was a little apprehensive about it but I figured, who cares, I can get my acting on...so I do this, and it's a shoddy production/rendition of this live webcast thing...and afterward I'm told I had several other tasks to do like switching coats and putting a sheet over my head like a ghost and no one told me previously of course...and then I suddenly realized I don't have long hair in the dream...maybe I did originally....but it vanishes upon my consciousness of it. And even though I didn't do "anything right" I told myself that at least I tried and it doesn't really make sense to try to be something I'm not...(now I'm kinda reading into it...) It was a weird dream.
It's interesting to dream here...my processes seem to go right along with my dreams...and very casually so. Of course I'd dream about being an 'actor' cause it's all about being real here, being my authentic self, etc.
Had a lovely chat at my friends last night before I slept. It was nice that I could talk to them all at once on speakerphone...for all my annoyances regarding the phone, when I'm thousands of miles away, it's pretty cool. :)
All right, I gotta get ready for class.(yikes!)

I am familiar with the concept of the deeper the pain, the funnier the jokes...hmm, that came out wrong. What I mean is that when someone has suffered a lot, and humor is their line of defense and protection (I need to use 'I' statements...)...because I have endured a lot of trauma in my life and humor has become my ally in the survival of those traumas, it is an intense humor...often inappropriate, but mostly truthful. I see THAT correlation...but this inner urging to get into it more, to look at it as a healing art...is confusing. When people talk to me about the thing that I can do that makes me forget time and space, I say writing. But I know that it's not simply writing...it's humor and then writing becomes a tool for that humor. Sometimes not a very good one since I don't write humor all that often. Anyway...it's been coming up into my consciousness a lot lately...and there's no class that deals with it, so it is free to flit about, trying out diff. things. I enjoy the prospect of friends spitting out food because I am simply talking...so what to do with that? Or be with that? I'm a little impatient right now...it's a scary place to be looking deeper into myself this way...I'll try to just sit with it.

Here's some new info...I finally have the phone number with me as I blog!
You can call me internationally (complete with expensive rates) at 44 1309 690 113. If you want to call often, my sister recommended VIP Communications...it's online and has something like .05/min rates. Which is better than my .12/min. And I promise not to talk for a long time... This system has a voicemail that I can get and this is the number you can call to HEAR MY VOICE. The phone is in an office and NOT in our house so if you want to get a hold of me, then we should set up a time to talk...it's much cheaper for the US to call the UK so no excuses...hee hee.

Don't forget, my birthday is Friday (the 19th)and I am turning 26. Feel free to call, send, email, think, etc. :) I bought chocolate cake at the normal grocery store...:) it's my drug of choice here.

I'm enjoying a relaxing Saturday...it's warm and windy outside. I'm downloading my pictures from the beg. of the semester so you can all have a better idea of what I'm doing. You DO have to create an account so if you want to see my pics and don't already have an account, email me and I will "share my album." The pictures are too big to send individually. Feel free to download any and don't pay for prints as they are a bit expensive and not worth it. Unless you don't have a photo printer...Is that confusing enough for you? Write me for clarity.

What else...not much I guess. Now that I have nothing to do on the weekend, I find that I am missing the process part of Findhorn...where is the balance? I'm sure I'll find it somewhere...

Hmm...I seem to be on top of the email thing.
I just heard that Johnny Cash and John Ritter died. Man, I hate that. Johnny Cash...whoa. I hope someone will tape at least one of the tributes that will be broadcasted on the telly. He did live a long life though. Esp. with all that shooting and Wild West stuff. John Ritter though...three's company indeed. It's weird to hear that stuff when I am off in Brigadoon land. I must also say that I am getting more and more aware of the impending encroachment of death...not only mine, but of my elders. It's harsh sometimes.
I've been dealing/talking about death a lot it seems. My Dad's anniv. was the 11th. Although, I rarely feel sad on that day, of course. It's usually an all the time thing. Although, with all the spirituality and angels flying about here, I feel much closer to him than I have in times past. For longer stints, too.
I just went to the gorcery and bought some food. It's weird not to be able to eat whatever I want...or at least have to pay extra. I am pretty sure I will be done with college soon.
This coming week we have Human Ecology (finally, some classes!). Lots about farming and food and community. Should be insanely interesting. Next week I am off (and will not be near internet--boo hoo!) to Trees for Life. The man who started it came and spoke to us and let me tell you, it was pretty inspiring. I rarely get excited about restoration...feeling it's futile while we go ahead and continue the degradation, but he was certainly an uplifting chap and it made me feel like I could actually do something with my life. More on that, when I get back to the bungalow.

Oh my dear fans! I'm sitting in the Forres Library, with my schedule of this week, my typing fingers, and enough energy to hopefully put down a good entry. It's been an intense couple of days (have I oversaid this yet?). We're in the middle of Experience Week. People come from all over to spend a week getting to know the Findhorn Experience. It's an involved one, and I don't think a week is enough time to really get into it but I see why they have this type of program. My group is doing it and we've done similar exercises previous to this, but a larger group brings up totally different things, I've noticed. Not that I would do it again if I had a choice. It's a lot of FEELING and it tires me out, to be quite honest. But onto the details. I've met many people from all over the world, interested in all sorts of things from witchery to shamanism to the community life to Johnny Depp (!). Our first groupish experience was Sacred Dance. We learned a bunch of dances from diff. cultures and spent time dancing (I spent time fumbling around and trying to find my feet). They even had some Israeli dances I'd never done (imagine that!). Then we had an angel meditation. I did this with my smaller semester group, but it's always nice to get more insight into the various parts of myself. My angel was synthesis. It's very fitting (of course) because I have been exploring my relationship with being alone and being in group a lot recently. The more I allow myself to be alone, read alone, write alone, go off and do my own thing, the easier it is (and the more pleasurable it is) to connect to the group, both the big and the small. What's important is that I not osteracize (or misspell) either part of myself. I love groups when I am allowed to not be in them. It was a nice thing to focus on for the week.
later that evening we had inner life sharing...I wasn't going to talk initially, but something in me was pressing me to tell the story about this vision I had about coming into my light. It was an amazing vision, very emotional, and I talked about it at the time, but then quietly forgot it. I told it to the large group and I actually got more energized...my voice was shaking and I was super humbled by it's power. Many people came up to me afterward to thank me for telling the story...which I wasn't expecting and I loved the contact. I know I have a tendency to clam up and assume that no one is affected by me and this really surprised me when people I barely knew were touched by a 'silly' story I told. Plus, it made me realize it wasn't silly, that it was important and that coming into my light was important as well.
The next day we started our week long work shift...this is where we spend a few hours a day working in one of the departments in Findhorn. I attuned to be in home care. Attuning is a process where we meditate and see where we envision ourselves...often it's not in the place where we want to go, but more in the place that would be the most beneficial (or where we might learn the most) for us. Homecare was something I was interested in, but more for a grounding effect. And I like the idea of caring for the place I live. I did vacuuming that day. Vaccuming the stairs. My family members will find that funny as I've been a 'stair vacuumer' for most of my life. It was actually a very emotional experience. Not crying emotional, but I just felt emotive while I was cleaning up the dirty stairs. It's good to feel centered while cleaning because it's a time where I can let things sink in and process while still feeling busy enough. And I liked the exercise a lot. it was no easy task.
Later that day we played discovery games...a bunch of trust games...things I've played at camp and in groups before. Not the same games, but with similar purposes. A few people weren't really ready to play the games and it made me feel proud of myself to notice that although it was somewhat risky at times, that I felt secure enough in this group of strangers to let my body go a little. It's strange how little things can heighten my awareness of risks and vulnerabilities. But I enjoyed it. They had a bit of group hugging which I'm not a fan of most of the time...it's not all my bag here, but it's not to know I always have choice.
The food here at Cluny (which is a different campus from The Park, where I live most of the time) is EXCELLENT. I stuff my face each meal. Although, to be blunt and very Becca, it's a bit different from my diet at home and needless to say, I spend quality time in the loo. But I am getting used to it. for those of you who swear I have a fear of veggies, I've been eating salad almost everyday, and there's always a veggie on my plate. Although, I balance that out with lots of chocolate...love that english chocolate, i do.
I also really enjoy the two tea breaks I get each day. It makes the time less frantic. At home they are 'coffee' or 'smoke' breaks, but somehow calling it a tea break makes it that much more relaxing. I drink at least two cups of postem (or Barley cup as they call it here) a day. Yum.
That evening, we all gathered to do group sharing which is an open forum for anyone who wants to share their experiences...the students had been feeling some resistance to participating (we were balancing our cynicism out cause there was a lot of 'spiritual' talk which can be a little annoying if it's too much). I shared that I was feeling inauthentic which was important for me to share because the group spirituality thing that is a fundamental thing about Findhorn can be quite overwhelming. I think at one point I had meditated 3 times in one day. That's a lot if I'm not studying to be a monk. I am learning balance with that...and of course my sense of humor does a great job of expressing my cynicism and more down to earthedness...and no worries, this isn't a cult. At least, i don't HAVE to join. :)
Wednesday we went out on a group nature outing...which I was reluctant about at first, but when I found my spot and had a nice nap in the sun with the river rolling in the background, I lightened up. Even wrote in my journal. I really do love nature and I enjoy the reconnection. It's funny that I take it for granted in Seattle when I am surrounded by it. Seattle is beautiful and forgiving of my fair-weather friendship. I miss it a lot. But Scotland has my fix of evergreens and rolling hills. Even some mountains!
Wednesday was interesting because someone from the community came and spoke about the fundamental parts of the community like finance and decision-making, and the what he saw as the four groups of people (spiritual, communal, ecological, and those that follow Eileen Caddy--one of the founders, the only one who still lives in the community). I realized that of course I have my fingers in each of those pies (well, not so much the Eileen followers) but I see that there are many things that make up a community and add to its appeal. I am studying for the creation of community at home (in seattle!) and I am excited to maybe employ some of the things that I am learning here one day.
On a more emotional note, this past week has been a lot of stuff for me to handle. In different instances, more than one thing has come up for me to think about or feel or deal with. I was thinking about my sense of humor and what a gift it is and how I push it aside a little because I claim I don't want to be a stand-up comedian, and yet, when I make people laugh, I see there is healing in that. I'm scared to open up to any other possibilities in the world of humor because they seem to be hard work, but I am noticing more and more that simply using humor the way I have been, doesn't do it justice...it's a gift and if not used to its full potential, I am only cheating myself...and others as well, I guess. I can say that I have enjoyed making my friends here laugh...as they are free with their laughter and it's most definitely contagious...they all have hilarious laughs and it fuels me to hear them.
Second, I have been noticing my fear around the idea of abundance. Not just financial, but in general. I had the spontaneous reaction to it last night when I discovered that my fear relates to my dad's death, and not to loss of money. I have feared that there won't be enough love for me (despite the constant, genuine and powerful love I receive all the time). Separately, today, we played a version of the Transformation Game (which is an actual board game that people here made) I did some work around that abundance fear and apparently my block is not that I don't receive, but that I get anxious. which keeps me from sharing myself. Yikes. Nothing like some clarity to cut through my defenses. And my angel card was courage. How fitting. Angel cards are also a product of Findhorn. They are these little cards with words like spontaeity and sythesis and freedom and truth and courage, etc...that we draw all the time. They're everywhere. It's a big part of the community. My words have been pretty right on and they've helped me focus more on certain things here.
I know that I have not processed all that has happened in the last couple of days. This can be extremely hard for me and my overworked heart. The constant input and change of habits and exploration of myself has really opened me up but it's sometimes like a drowning and less like a shower. Soon I will be in my groove and learn how to filter and process faster or more efficiently or maybe more slowly. It's all relative here.
I have noticed that I feel more powerful here. Not in a domineering sort of way, but there is WAY less bullshit to contend with and that makes my stuff come up faster and yet cleaner. I like that.
I've been missing home a lot...not because I want to come home necessarily, but I think of all of you daily, wishing you were here to talk to about stuff that comes up, wishing I could snuggle with you and laugh and NOT have to 'feel' or 'emote.' I look forward to my precious free time and feel NO guilt about spending most of it online, or in the library or away from the group. The power of alonetime is nice to realize.
I am getting closer to my classmates/roommates each day. It's amazing how quick we gelled and feel comfortable. And it's coming out that people like the internet and shave their legs and have chocolate addictions and like to listen to their headphones. I'm happy to have stated that outright instead of pretending I'm all eco all the time. Which I'm not, nor do I care to be.
I am excited to talk to people about creating community in Seattle. I've been thinking about my contributions and my desires around it. It seems more possible than it did before. There are lots of models, not to mention, I like that I have ideas of my own.
The gardens here are AMAZING. Pictures won't be as immense as the gardens themselves. I wish I could send home fruits and veggies. The gardens are a BIG part of this place and I am thankful for that. I am sad to only have my apt. in Seattle, but am seriously thinking about some p-patch space when I get home. I'm sure many of you would like to help...which would be yummy!
I am thoroughly enjoying getting all the emails and updates. It's nice to hear the mundane details too...
Keep writing and reading...
Oh, I will be here this coming week, but the week after I shall be planting trees in the Caledonian Forest so I'll be away from email...I'll try to come back and update though. I have a blog I haven't downloaded yet, and will do so soon when I get my laptop back online.
Thanks for reading!

'Ello!
Okay, no one says that to me...although 'Hiya' is a popular one.
Can't write a lot right now...but here's some vital info. My snail mail address is:
Becca Campbell
Findhorn Foundation, The Park
Forres, Scotland IV36 3TZ
(AIRMAIL)
and if you want to leave me a VM call 1-800-706-1333
then press *2
then enter 7211216408950, press#
LEAVE MESSAGE
I get these online, so there is no ring at Findhorn...I do have a number there, but I forgot it at the moment...
Go ahead and leave me VMs though...I miss hearing people's voices.
All is going well. There's a LOT to process and even more to write...I miss you all a lot!

This blog entry is out of place because I wrote it when I wasn't online. Here it is.
Sept. 6th
Hello all! I’m writing you from my room at 12 midnight. I just came home from a really cool jazz concert at Findhorn Foundation. Today was my first day of Experience Week. It takes place at the other campus of the Findhorn Foundation. It’s a week of getting to know how the Foundation works, self-exploration, and meeting others from around the world. I’ve never heard so many accents from so many different places. I enjoy it…although it takes a sharp ear to really decipher a lot of it!
Other than the plain play by play, I’d thought I’d switch it up and talk more about my internal process. I had a lot of fears upon coming here. First and foremost was the age/experience gap. I am an older student and I feared that a lot of what I’d be learning here would be repetitive. So far, I’ve been quite comfortable with the learning style that they are acquainting us with. I’ve been a holistic learner all my life and this is just another college in that respect. The age gap has only been obvious a few times, but it’s just interesting to observe. I won’t pretend it’s always amazing…but I haven’t felt alienated or alienating at this point. Although a lot of the group dynamics lessons are not that new to me. I’ve been in a lot of groups, I realize. Part of my learning has been around the balance between group time and alone time. It’s a balance I have always struggled with. One part is that I really like being alone. I like the reflection I get to have. I love to observe things. Another part is that in liking to be alone, I feel bad because it can seem like I want to isolate. And sometimes I do, without knowing, and it actually IS isolating. Other times I WANT to isolate because that’s the only way I know how to be alone comfortably, to push people away. I was beginning to explore the wanting to be alone while staying connected to people. That seems to be where I’m going with it today. I came home early because I didn’t want to stay at the Jazz concert. I feel confused at times about the difference between doing something because it’s "cool" or doing something because I want to. I see the rest of the group engaging, meeting people, etc, and although I know it’s not really appropriate to compare myself, I feel like I am always missing something when I don’t engage the same way as other people. And I don’t. I am reminded of times that I was less inclined to speak up and meet people, and I still had a valuable experience. I still meet people, I still learn things, but it’s hard not to feel like I am missing something. So that’s an interesting notion. I’m over the more intense homesickness I was beginning to feel…I really like the group, and there is a lot of love and openness that is present. It’s surprising that a group I’m in has gelled so quickly, but I won’t condemn it, because I like the comfortability we have already. I can definitely feel my edges being approached. Although, I am finally understanding that it’s not necessary to put myself in extreme situations to learn. Coming all the way here, to learn this, was a big deal, and I honor the learning that will take place, but I also want to note that any perspective I thought I might get, can be gotten in other places too. I’m a pretty good study of myself. I am a bit self-conscious about not feeling like I have to participate in all the activities that are presented to me. We went into town today (Forres—if you’re looking on a map of scotland) and I was excited to be in town, amongst other non-Findhorn people, just for a comfortable connection. I rather like small town stuff. I had my eggs, beans, and toast. J I even learned to spin wool today. It was great! I am excited to get back into town and go to the post office, sit in pubs and cafes, and buy food from the grocery store. My eating habits have altered drastically and I can’t be constantly eating veggies…I need time to get used to it.
I have found that I really enjoy meditation. Even if I don’t make it to the group meditation, I really like the quiet time. It’s one of the times when I am alone that I feel okay, safe, and empowered.
One thing I forgot about living with my community in Seattle, is that I don’t have to keep reintroducing myself, where I’m from, what I’m doing here, etc. I can just be myself and people know all that stuff already. I’ll be excited when I don’t have to answer those questions anymore. In about 2 months.
I am learning a lot about community life though. It’s not the utopia I thought I wanted. It’s a real life working and challenged at times, community. I’ll be taking a class on Human Ecology and I’m writing my paper on Urban Community and Sustainability since that is where my interests lie. If you have any info, websites, books, people etc, that you want to recommend that deal with that type of stuff, please email me at beccacampbell@hotmail.com and let me know about it. The paper should be interesting since I finally have many resources available to me to explore it. Although Findhorn is pretty rural, lots of the people here have lived all over in many diff. communities. Our Human Ecology teacher is an awesome storyteller from Ireland who’s currently the secretary of the Global Ecovillages Network. He’s great! Very inspiring.
We met our teachers for "drinkies" (this is what it’s called when you meet over alcoholic drinks). They’re all amazing people, with tons of experience and knowledge about all the things we’re going to study. I feel very fortunate to have them as my teachers. I’m excited for each class.
I’ve attuned (we meditated on which work shift we would take) to working in the Park Gardens. I am excited to get back in touch with the earth. I came here to get back in touch and I figure that this is the place to do it. The flowers are beautiful and the whole area is so well kept, it'’ incredible. There are gardens everywhere! And to think that most of Findhorn is built on sand!
I met with my ‘support person.’ This is someone in the community who is specifically available to me to ask questions of, learn the ropes from, etc. She works with the Windmill committee. The Windmill supplies 20% of Findhorn’s power. They are hoping to get more windmills so that it would eventually support 100%. I’m excited to talk to her more about that.
I definitely like the contact with the small town of Forres. It’s a nice cultural balance for me since there’s not much Scottish culture at the Foundation.
Tomorrow we’ll be doing something called Sacred Dance. I don’t know how I feel about having to dance in the morning as an activity, but we’ll see what it’s all about. Time for bed now.

Well, after being a wee bit annoying and persistent, we now have internet access in the house. On my computer! I don't mind sharing as long as I can have a much faster computer hooked up...and so, for once in my life, my self-motivation has gotten me somewhere! Not that any of the other people in my group really care that much...they like the farming, agriculture, nature stuff. Me? I'm just here for the experience of internet in a totally different country. I do realize though, that most people came here for the community and nature and all that other good stuff, and don't get me wrong, I enjoy that too, but hey, I have no problem with my love of computers, DSL, and technology. I'm a part of this community in my very own unique way.
I just finished my first full day at Findhorn.
We had a long and comprehensive orientation to life here...well, one of 5 days, anyway. There is a lot to process and I find that I am constantly tired from having all the data entry. It's more than data, I spose. There is just a lot of input in general. We met at Cullerne (I am in the process of downloading pictures so you'll know what I mean when I use names of areas/buildings). We went over basic things in our notebooks that they gave us. Most of it was common knowledge for me, since 1) I read everything I can get my hands on 2) this system of education, thanks to the 40 schools I've been to in my whole educational career, is nothing new for me. Holistic learning is the way I have learned, with or without a structure for it. And now, I am continuing that here. I might sound jaded, I might even be a little jaded, but for the most part, I'm just very comfortable with this style of education.
We went on a tour of The Park, got to see some of the more expensive eco homes (and you better believe I was all about trying to get in to see some of them), and had a really nice meditation in the nature sanctuary (this is a funny reference to a building you'll see pictures of, since I find that MOST, if not ALL of Findhorn is a nature sanctuary of sorts). It was the first real meditation I've had since being here and of course, my heart, soul, and mind welcomed the break from their constant chattering. I cried a little, mostly because I forget to feel my body (heart? soul?) and the re-introduction is nice and a little emotional. Findhorn is the home of the Angel cards (I will take a picture of one so you can see what they are) and on each card there is a word and a cute little pictogram of an angel in action. We each picked one and mine was FREEDOM. Right away I didn't really connect with why I picked that one, but I now realize that I live in a restrictive world. It's less about outside pressure and more about my expectations of myself. This is important for me to keep in touch with because those expectations are in every crevice of my life. And I am open to seeing that shift (only if it wants to!) here. Meditation is a practice I'd like to incorporate more in my daily life because my heart and soul have many things to tell me, show me, etc, and that's a great time to do it.
So after the meditation I came back, got the internet going, and then we went to dinner. Afterward, I was on KP. There's something about a good clean-up that really excites me. It's closure for the meal. Before each shift and then when we're done, we have what's called an "attunement." This word has several sorts of meanings and one is that it's a time to center before an activity, to get present, and focused. It is also a way to check in (we do then within our academic group), see where people are at, etc. It's a really nice practice for me, since I am often floating elsewhere. There is much intentionality.
The group is really cool. Everyone seems to have very interrelated interests. I went to an open mic last night and there was some really great talent. One guy sang about how he wanted a girlfriend and that he meditated and spoke to his inner spirit and all that but all he wanted was a girlfriend and one he got one, meditation and all that other crap would take a backseat. I laughed so hard! So not everyone here wants to get in touch with Mother Earth. They're still human beings with all the paradoxes! It was nice to see that. My two "advisors" are cool like that too...not froo froo at all. And yet we can all still meditate. It's a mind-blower, in any case.
My housemates and I have decided to have one night a week where we cook and watch a movie and relax. It'll be nice to not have to eat the common meal food. Let me just reiterate that I'm not really a veggie eater...and it's quite a switch.
So now I am unwinding and I should head over to the other house to hang out. There's so much to process that I have a hard time getting it all down on "paper."
Til tomorrow!