Hey, my parents are here! They came a day early but it was totally needed and appreciated because I just need to talk to people who love me and understand me. It sounds bad, I know. I make it sound that way. Just having my parents here has made me feel a million times better. Plus, I got this AWESOME package in the mail today...it was so nice to feel such love today. I feel really good right now. I need to sleep though...Art class today was totally not frustrating. I assumed it was going to be too hard core and it was not. We did the draw like little kids thing. Which is nice. I feel a lot better about things. My parents being here, the many letters I have gotten, and the lessening of my own personal problems makes this easier. 6 weeks more. I can do it. Esp. with all the love I've been feeling from all of you. Thanks so much.
Good night (I realize that's weird to write since most of you prolly read this at work, during the day...hahahaha)

Hello fellow readers...well, I spose, if I read my own blog you'd be a fellow reader, but I just write 'em. Hee hee. Anyway, I am home again, this time for good (til I come home!!-Dec. 10th). I am going away on the weekends, but for the most part, I am here duriing the week.
So, Erraid. It's a tiny island on the west coast (west siyeed!) of Scotland. Not even on the map. Not labeled, anyhow. So I'll give you the bad first, since that always works well. I have never felt as homesick as I did when I was out there. It could have been the mix between the bad food, annoying company (the youth project came with us), alarmingly cold nights, far away composting toilet, trying to survive 31 other people's sickness (which I did!), having no private space, and being in the middle of an intense personally emotional time that made it hell on earth. I couldn't wait to get back to findhorn, and I found that I was finally feeling ready to be back in Seattle, sipping chai, sleeping in my huge bed alone, and waking up with the sensation of all my extremeties. Being with my group was intense and I am finally waking up to the fact that I don't have to be everyone's best friend, say the right thing, think the right thing, and be cool and "okay" with everything. Thank god. Really, thank god for that. I was a pain in the ass by group standards, but I think I felt okay with it because I didn't have to lie about how I felt. At one point I checked in and said I felt crappy and then throughout the day I felt like I had to "feel better" because there was this pressure to make things okay and I was adament about staying with the anger however long I felt like doing it. And I did. And I felt great afterward. The day we left I was in a great mood and happy. Good deal. I had a major breakdown earlier in the week, realizing that I felt how I felt as a child...it was uncomfortable and alienating and lonely. The loneliest I've felt in months. I woke myself with naseua (and bad spelling) and couldn't even move the energy. It sucked. Plus, the worst feeling is that I wanted to be held, and I knew that, I even pictured the people who would have been willing to just sit there and be with me while I wailed, and they were nowhere in sight. I really wanted to come home.
Okay enough of the venting. There were some GREAT parts too.
My focaliser Maggie was awesome. We laughed so hard we almost busted our guts. Tons of jokes, tons of laughter. As with most intense emotional upheavels, there comes intense comedy and there was plenty of that. It was awesome to have someone to be witty with, someone who gets my quick wit and quirky, yet undeniably clever, humor. I also woke each morning, right on time to see the sun rise. Incredibly beautiful. I tried to watch it for more than the 30 seconds it takes to run to the outhouse (or as they like to call it "composting toilet") but it was darn cold. The pinks and oranges were amazing though. I loved that part in the a.m. At night I got to see this amazing show of the Northern Lights. I had no idea how intense they were. Colors, movement, brightness...so cool! Magical to say the least. All I needed was a little Pink Floyd playing in the background and it would've been Laser Erraid. Hee hee. One of the members on the Island was an awesome storyteller and he shared an hour of his time with just the FCS students and it was so cool. I hadn't before realized what a gift a good storyteller is. I now see how cool the oral traditions were (are). So it wasn't all bad, just about 70% of it was.
Does that make me seem jaded and dissatisfied? I hope that everyone sees I can hold the paradox of the fact that it's hard here but that parts of being here are totally necessary for my growth. It is interesting to feel homesick, because I haven't felt like I've had this much of a "home" before. I got a lot of email and calls when I was away, obviously getting the support I needed when I was away. It was cool. I felt really loved when I got back here.
So what's next?
Tomorrow art class starts. That'll throw me for a loop cause I am not ready to "be creative" but we'll see what happens. It will get me out of my head for a few days anyway. It will be more non-verbal too. :) There are mad group dynamics going on and I am tired of them. The drama is intensifying. It's funny, because for me, the drama was my own crap and now everyone else's crap is coming to surface. Woo hoo! Hopefully the art and upcoming writing classes will level me a little.
My parents are coming soon (tuesday!) and that's really exciting for me. I have missed them. And I am having all these intense feelings about family and such, so it will be good to see them...plus, I am excited to get away from my group again this weekend.
Erraid was intense because it was the place that Treasure Island takes place, and the author of Treasure Island spent loads of time there (his father wanted him to be an engineer even though he wanted to be a writer, so he was sent to Erraid...but the island was so captivating that he inevitably became a writer anyway, being so inspired by his surroundings...). We had to take a little boat across to get to it. Little boat, as in it holds 9 people. Cute. Anyway, I am happy to be home in any case. I hope to actually establish relationships with people here. I am becoming more and more aware of my age, my need for establishing community (in a personal way, not necessarily the way the whole group wants to), my need for contact from home (thanks to everyone who has been writing, emailing, calling, visiting...it's so appreciated), and my need to graduate and move into a totally different place in my life. I am finally at that point. Which is so interesting in its own right. I am getting ready to plan my Candidacy Meeting which is where I basically prove that I am ready to graduate soon. After 8 years, I think I can say that I am ready. Woo hoo. Party to follow. :) Any thoughts on my future career? Other than taking most of my time to help start my own future community, I need something to do all day and get paid for it.
Speaking of related ideas, I was just approached to be a part of this workshop called The Mastery. It's a performing workshop and I was seriously considering writing a comedy routine for it and getting feedback on performing it. Then hopefully performing it at home (after here of course). Instead of my more objective comedy, I would use more personal stuff, kinda playing into my own personal view of comedy, transparency, telling the truth, and being more accessible...I don't know if the times will work out but I am willing to explore it. It's an edge for me, but I think that that's a good indicator of something I should explore...
Oh! I forgot to talk about this part too...
I had a dream last night about going to this networking party thing with my mom (and to disclaim, in my dreams, my mom doesn't actually represent my real-life mom, it represents my own personal caretaker and protecter). We're sitting there and this man comes over and asks me a question. Right away, my mom pipes up and starts talking to him instead of me. I turn to her and scream that he was talking to me, that she always speaks for me, and that I am sick and tired of it...and I get up and walk out. Dream ends.
It wakes me up because I am so upset. But then it clicks in: that part of me, the protective part, has had such a hold on my life. It always speaks first, always over-protecting me, always critiqing and keeping people at bay. But I was writing an email this morning and saying that I want to throw her (that part of me) a retirement party and let her go. I don't need her in my life, protecting me anymore. It will be hard to kick her out...I mean, she has a tiny place in my life still, keeping me out of harm's way, but I will have to step into my power more when it comes time to protect myself, and watch out for my well-being. She has been a vigilant part of me, doing background checks and intense interviews of every person I encounter. She's anal beyond measure and I appreciate her initial reasons to take care of me, but if I am to get along in life, actually engage with people, and feel safe, I will have to take more responsibility for that in my life. She can check things out if flags go up, but with people who don't possess any threat, she will have to pick a new hobby, like knitting. It was a great dream of awareness in many respects. I don't think anything will change overnight, but I do find that I being able to take control and get into my power more, will change my life on many levels. And the awareness of such a process/transformation will be plenty for right now. Okay, I know these entries can be overwhelming, so I'll stop now. Good stuff.

Hey there, sorry I have been negligent! I know that this is an avenue of communication and I need to be a lot more committed to it. Anyway, this week flew by...Human Ecology class has been amazing. We're learning about the basic principles of permaculture, of which one can model other things after. I like that concept. Systems theory at its best. I am eager to start my community at home! We also learned about economy, local currency, LETS (local exchange trading system, I think), bartering, etc. My teacher works with Global Ecovillages Network and we saw all these slides of ecovillages across the world, I know where I want to travel next! He has connection to the ecovillage in Senegal and I hope that one day, when I speak French I can go there and visit for a spell. So cool! In the beginning of this class (monday), we were encouraged to envision a project/community in its most utopian state and of course I thought of the one I want to start back home. I am hopefully going to write my paper on it, maybe even do a model (like old school AIS-style) of it. Some ideas were that the layout was like a wheel, the spokes were pedestrian pathways leading to homes on either side of the spoke. Common spaces between spokes would have gardens, playgrounds, laundry, other shared buildings. The center of the 'wheel' would be the main enterprise. My thought was that it should be a restaurant or art center (studio, performance hall, etc). That way we can make $ and work as a community with a common focus. Everyone can be involved as much as they want, in the way that they feel most comfortable, learn new skills if they want to, and we would be coming together over either food or art, which I know is a pretty common theme in the lives of people around me...cause it's a common theme in mine too! I figured, art and food are necessities and so, there that is. I am developing the details for the paper using other ideas of other co-housing communities. It should be cool. I am very excited. It makes going to class so fun!
Last night we got a slide show of the history of this place which was so cool. Very extensive. Seeing all the pics of what it looked like a long time ago, when it started, was so interesting. Plus, we got to see them in one of the barrel houses that is made from an old whiskey barrel. 20 feet in diameter. Man, it was so cool. I don't recommend AA meetings in there though.
I cannot possibly relay all that I learn, hopefully I retain it for myself, at the least.
I was talking to a friend last night and I am finding that being here is showing me that I really want stronger connections back home. Both now, and when I actually get there. I find myself less wanting to "be alone" when I express myself honestly. We had our weekly attunement and I went through yet another process involving telling the truth, risking, etc. It continues to be challenging but I also continue to feel MUCH better after expressing how I feel. Telling people how I feel is probably one of the most empowering things I can do. When I don't do it, it only festers inside and I cannot have that anymore. It taxes my body more than I can handle. Thank goodness. Community foundation building is already going on at home, which makes me a little homesick, but with all the work I am doing here, I don't think I'll be that far behind. I haven't emailed my supposed network of people yet. I am pretty busy here, but I will get to it soon. For sure before I get home. Which will be December 10th, in case anyone doesn't know.
I am getting som awesome letters from friends and family and I eagerly check the mail for more, so don't be shy. And I'm a pretty good letter writer so if you want some mail...
Oh, and I have postcards, if anyone just wants me to drop them a line...:)
Okay, gotta go and write an outline for my project/paper/presentation...if you have any ideas about the IDEAL community, feel free to email me...I like virtual visionstorming (it's more than "brain" don't you think?)...

Saw the Northern Lights tonight...man, that's cool. A few of us just went out and watched them. I recommend it to anyone who has the chance. Just have to say briefly that I really enjoy being here, learning, changing, eating awesome food, etc. It's been a wonderful experience so far and I am excited I have more than a month and a half left. Hopefully soon I will start my writing practice. So far, it's only been blogging and emailing. Gotta get into the other stuff too...

Hey everyone! I just had an AMAZING class today. It's the second week of Human Ecology and I am JAZZED to be in it. Everyday I think about my community back home...and it's hard to be here and not be able to sit around after a good meal and talk about it with all of you...so I'm going to try to either get a blog going so that we can start talking about what we want now, or some other sort of listserv thing (look at me and my listserv-edness!). Now, I won't be emailing all of you. That can get annoying, I know. I know a few of you are interested in the community talk and I'm going to try to email you all either tomorrow or the next day. Basically I'm interested in hearing ideas, brainstorms, visions, totally impossible but incredible dreams, etc. Just want to open the floor to some dialogue and dream sharing. If you don't get an email from me but would like to talk SERIOUSLY about forming a community in some fashion, then you can email me first and I will include you in the fun. As I live in Findhorn each day, and learn more and more about community, I realize that that's an important thing I am missing back home: structured, productive community. I like what I had when I was there, but I see so much more potential in the people I know and I would LOVE to actually start coming together, as much as we can (despite our obvious distance). Some of you may be moving or in the middle of some big life change, that's cool. If you get an email from me and DON'T want to be a part, "No, thanks, I'm perfectly fine cooking for myself, watching movies alone, and paying lots of money to entertain myself and pretend I'm happy" <--don't laugh, that was me a month ago! Then you can kindly tell me to take my mass emails elsewhere...and I will. But if you're the least bit curious, then go ahead and engage...I promise, it won't hurt. It might actually feel really good. Has Findhorn changed me? Yep. Do I want to bring change home? Yep. Do I know tons of people who have expressed me to their desire to find community? Yes indeed. So why wait til I get home and have tons of work to do for school. Let's start now. I'm REALLY excited to talk about stuff and then start to act on it.
Okay, I should go to sleep...all this excitement tires me out!

Yeah! There's spell check on blog now!! Finally, you won't have to suffer my increasingly poor spelling! Although, I want to say that I think my spelling is declining because right brain is taking over my left brain, which for me, is really good. But I can't add worth a damn.
Anyway, I am finally home. Normally, I would differentiate that this was 'Findhorn Home' not to be confused with 'Seattle Home.' But I realize that this is home to me for 2 more months and I feel that way about it.
It is GOOD to be back here. Vacation was a little more hectic than my imagination accounted for. Language barriers, culture barriers, FOOD barriers...I did enjoy myself for the most part. I saw how much more laid back I've become since I traveled Europe last. When we missed our trains, I was vocally annoyed but really, I had nothing I had to be doing that I was actually missing. I still packed too much but now that I'm home, I can go and get a chiro adjustment. So...what were the highlights? Saw my friend Shosh. It was great to see a familiar face. Saw the pretty architecture of Paris (that needed no language and was easy to appreciate). Got my head smashed in a Metro (subway) door<-- you may wonder why this is a highlight...well, there are these moments when I travel that help me gain some perspective on the experience and this was so strangely funny and painful that I was able to use it to cheer myself up. I went to H&M (three times). Got to experience the essence of Dutch culture, simple but stylish clothes, trendy glasses, more scarves than I knew what to do with, the funky Dutch language. Went to a Modern Art museum that was by far, the best one I've been to (it rivals the Denver Art Museum exp. I had when I was younger)--I got to see furniture and art that I've only seen pictures of in books! I realized that my inner compass can be wrong sometimes. And overall, I came to realize something about belonging. Being at Findhorn has made that subject pretty apparent but I didn't know what to do about it. Belonging somewhere can seem pretty scary, mostly because I associate it with a kind of negative feeling. I feel boxed in or typical. But now the word has finally giving me some good feelings. I realized that I feel like I belong at Findhorn. I do belong at Findhorn. It's not a membership club that I needed permission to get into. No dues, no password, no secret handshake. What I did have to do is acknowledge that 1) I wanted to belong 2) That Findhorn wanted to belong to me 3) that the willingness and acceptance of myself in this place, feeling these things was all I needed for that. I wrote a lot of this in a letter to a friend...talked about maybe my problem with always wanting to leave a place is that I never let myself belong somewhere. I live in Seattle. I have an address and friends, and family. But I've never really acknowledged that I could (but didn't) BELONG there too. Belonging is a commitment. It's noticing that there is a place for me in Seattle that cannot be filled but just another clothespin-wearing, chai-drinking, movie-watching, 26 year old who drives a Honda. There is a place for ME. But what makes me think this? Did I get some sort of invitation? Nope. I just realized that Seattle belongs to me, too. There is most definitely a relationship there, between me and my city. What's needed to maintain this relationship? Commitment, acknowledgment, investment, mutuality, interest and responsibility. If Seattle belongs to me, then I can't go bad mouthing it while I remain inactive. I can't run off to the next city I read about in a magazine thinking I can find the perfect place to 'belong.' There's no 'Best Cities In The World To Belong To' list where I can find one just right for me. I have to create it. Most of you mught be sighing in relief that I finally understand. Me too. Belonging is more than just about living in Seattle or Findhorn...it's about belonging in this world, too. I do belong here. Whatever it is I have to offer, I'm the only one who can offer it. That makes me belong. Belonging is also about people. This most definitely relates to relationships. I don't mean it in a possessive way. But there is something to be said about taking ownership (not as in slave ownership, but responsibility) and putting in honest effort to make something work. I left a lot of friends and family to come here. Just as I was getting close to a lot of people I picked up and moved away for three months. No coincidence there. I've never missed Seattle and my community so much before. I can see now that I belong there, with them. I'm not your typical homesick though, because I belong here too. I feel valued and loved and appreciated. I also made the connection to my Family of Origin (the family I grew up with-my immediate family). I'm not sure where I got the idea that I didn't belong in my family, but after having my pseudo family here, and seeing that even though we don't always understand, can't always help, don't always agree, I still have a place here. I still belong here, expressing my truth, feeling my feelings, thinking my thoughts and dreams. And although I know my family loves me, I didn't click into the fact that it's more than love. We belong together. With our chaos and our order and our little funny things that only our family does. I don't need a birth certificate to prove I belong. I just need to feel that I do. And they belong to me. When one marries into a family, it's just an expression of wanting to belong there. Everyone has to make that choice whether through marriage or blood. I even related belonging to my life's purpose. If I think I have a unique voice, that my voice belongs here on the earth, then you better believe I'm gonna start communicating differently. I'm not just another writer. I'm Becca, who writes from my heart. And that's really important. For every person. Sure, lots of people write or draw or program or have kids or volunteer or make movies. It's not about them. It's about us. Doing what WE love. And that's good enough. Seriously. No joke. It may not make you millions, yet. But it doesn't mean it doesn't need to be heard. So that's my message for the day. I feel a lot better about everything. All the feedback I've been getting makes me really happy and fulfilled. Not now but keep in mind the blogs you like and tell me which ones those are so I can maybe read them here at Findhorn, and then ultimately at Antioch for my final presentation. I am really enjoying the writing and finally feel like it's actually something important for people other than me...
Oh, I read at open mic last night. It was really cool. I was a little shaky of course, but I felt really good reading.
This week we compelte our Human Ecology class. I'm really interested in what we'll be doing...
Everyone here is sick and I am trying to fight it off...although, I feel really healthy anyway and if I do get sick, it'll just to be shedding some toxins I picked up in Paris...:)
Thanks for reading...

After getting my head smashed in the metro (subway) door, taking several minutes per meal to decipher what i want to eat, running through the louvre to see other people take pictures of Mona Lisa, rotting my teeth with the sugar I poured into the blackest coffee ever made, going up 6 flights of stairs every day to get back to my bed and collapsing in a heap @ 9pm everynight, we're leaving paris tomorrow for Amsterdam. I would say that I had fun, but more accurate was that I was in Paris. I did some stuff, saw some things, and realized I should write a nonfiction travelguide called 'The Grass is Always Greener' that will help me through the trials I seem to find myself in whenever I leave the country. And for what? I don't know yet...I'll find out I'm sure when I get home, of course.
I am having a good time in a way. Then again, I consider therapy a good time! I know everyone wants to be in my shoes (well not everyone) but I can say that there is something very satisfying about a meal being straightforward. Mona Lisa WAS small, no surprise. My scarf makes me look native...til I say the word 'um'.
I'm also lactose intolerant. Still no surprise. I miss home a lot. I even miss Scotland, at this point. Traveling is hard. When will I ever learn? I did have a crepe and a croissant. I think I'm done here. How's that for the least elegant traveling ever? Keep sending me mail....need it now more than ever since I am REALLY out of my element. Just starting to get the hang of this keyboard! Miss all of you tremendously!

Hi! Im in France and i have no idea how to use this keyboard. And, i cant find a place to stay in Amsterdam! Im really frustrated about that...but i think i am more annoyed at my time limit on the computer. Paris is fun so far...im a bit out of my body necessarily but i think thats okay since its a big city. I realize that the internet is more than a form of communication...its information and comfort too. I cant type very fast on the foreign keyboard! damn. I am having fun just walking around looking at stuff. Notre Dame is stunning, the rain is typical, and everything is expensive! I am happy to be here but I can feel that the grass is always greener on the other side and thats annoying. Why cant i just like where i am? Okay Ive got to get to looking for places to stay. More when I am not pressured to deal with lodgings. Just booked a hostel, dont even know where it is located. Hee hee. Feel much better. Still hate this keyboard. Traveling can be really good in a lot of ways because it shows you the edge of yourself and thats an interesting place to live for a few days at a time. Although without the internet, it can be an uncomfortable place at times. I will be excited to go to Amsterdam and be able to communicate. Thanks to everyone reading this blog. I know it can be heavy a lot of the time, but for good reason. Lots of things are happening! Im trying to write in my journal too when I cant get to internet. I miss everyone more now that I am traveling...lots to see and I want to share! Hope all is well!