Thursday, December 04, 2003

Well kids, unless I am REALLY drawn to write again, this could very well be the last blog of has been a wild, thought-provoking, growth-filled, experiential, massive, spiritual, heartfelt, comfort zone expanding, kick ass time. I won't even try to sum it up here and now because then what would be the point of this blog for the last three months. It is the second to last night and almost all of my stuff is packed. I am just sitting at the computer, copying music for people, relaxing. Last night was a late one and tonight I need sleep. I have a few days of jet lag ahead of me. I can't believe it's time to go home. Although it does not feel like "yesterday" since I first came here, it does feel as though time warped in a very unique way. I can't believe I am going home in less than a week. I can't believe that my going home is also a sort of departure. I have definitely changed here...maybe it's not obvious, but it's very real to me.
Everyone has gone out and I am here all alone, testing out what it will be like at home. YIKES. I don't really look forward to too much time alone (who is this girl???) and I will be sad about not having a roommate (no, really, we better call a doctor!). I think for all the trials I had to go through in this community, it was worth it, because now I feel like I am ready to share my life with others. I think my willingness to partner has been really significant. I remember telling a friend of mine in Seattle that living here has made that a lot more accessible. I was in a very independent mindframe at home and being here with people all around, has definitely shifted that. That's quite a change for me. I'm not even sure what that will mean, and I can only find out after I get home and intentionally work to create that.
Speaking of intentionally creating...I'd love to start a writer's workshop...with open mics once a month...I think that will be really cool. I want to read and workshop my stuff in order to publish and if I can make it a group thing, I think it'll be a lot of fun. So many ideas, I don't know what to do with myself. At the moment, my only concern is getting home by the 10th.
Oh, that reminds me, it's a no go for the party on the 21st...I'll try to find another time that's better. Maybe after x-mas and before New year's. In any case, not going to worry about that now. Ha.

Okay, well I am signing off I go...thanks to EVERYONE for reading and giving me feedback and being in my community...I am eager to see you all when I get home. Feel free to call me, or email, but also know that I will be recovering from jet lag a bit and might not leave my house (except for the much needed and well overdue haircut) for a few days...
That's it then. Here's to an awesome term in Scotland!

Sunday, November 30, 2003

Good morning. It's 9:22am in Scotland. I woke up "late" this morning (8:30 is late for me here) and everyone else is still sleeping. The sun is shining in through the window. It's warm inside because our heaters are turned up pretty high (the walls are a little thicker than paper). It's Sunday.
I look around our Fungalow at our stuff strewn on the floors and furniture. Fabric for making clothes and patching pants, ecological textbooks, Let's Go Britain, chocolate wrappers, Halloween costumes, frisbee, CDs, scraps of paper with notes about travel, homework, and phone numbers of friends, handmade mugs from the pottery studio, clean and dirty laundry, and dinnerware from last night. If I had to sum up our experience, it would be in those items. My heart is trying to hold onto these images...because in less than a week, this place will change forever. This spiritual Brigadoon will disappear again. I've been waiting for this moment for a long time, but now that it's fast approaching, I am quickly preparing myself for the change that will happen. When I first read about coming home from Findhorn in the handbook, they called it "re-entry." I laughed because re-entry reminded me of astronauts coming back from space...and now I see why that is an appropriate term. I have been on another planet entirely, and coming back down to earth is such a strange idea. I don't want to point out the fact that this place is not as relevant as home, outside of here...because that's not the point at all. I do want to say that I have had a wonderful sample of what it's like to live in a totally different energy field for 3 months and the switch back into my previous one will be interesting. But I plan on bringing Findhorn with me. I plan on giving myself a spiritual tattoo to remind myself of this place, to keep this place in its sacredness, in my heart, mind, and body.

I'll never look at another potato the same way again. And I won't take for granted my hot water with plenty of pressure. And when someone compliments me, I won't shy away, silently disbelieving them. When I get home, I will submit pieces that I have written, knowing that I am an excellent writer. I will also begin to forgive myself, one day at a time...and I won't supress my anger to hide it from people. When I interact with people, I will always try to seek the truth in our interaction, even though sometimes it's uncomfortable. I also won't try to do everything on my own, with no help. I will start finding things to love about myself, and let the list grow and grow. When I get home, I won't let my prior physical or emotional pain keep me from being in my power. I'll also let my power come through more to get things done but I will also just be with my power and relax. I will let go of my fears of living with people, of being affected by people. I will get on my side first, and then try to look at conflict from that point of view, so as not to compromise myself. I will understand where other people are coming from, without having to always agree with them. I will fight for what I believe in because it IS important. I will seriously work on bringing humor and laughter to more people (ha, seriously!). I will let love heal me, even when it scares me shitless. I will also earn money doing what I love. And I will love doing what heals me.

I will let my experience at Findhorn stay out and not shove it into a photo album and a few memory boxes. I will talk about Findhorn like a good friend who is always with me in spirit, even if we are apart every once in a while. I will keep in touch with the people I have met and shared with here. I will come back to Findhorn whenever I can and keep up our connection.

Saturday, November 29, 2003

Wooo! Last night (The Talent Extravaganza) was so awesome. Beth and I emceed and we were so awesome. The whole thing went off without a hitch and I really enjoyed doing it. I really like being on stage (there, I admitted it). A part of me has always resisted being on stage, thinking I can't do it, it's not for me, too forced, etc. But when I am out there, I feel good. I like the idea of being funny for people. I like when people tell me that my announcements are amusing...I don't even plan those! But I know there is something in the universe that is gently pushing me to comedy, to the stage, and I want to shyly honor that, and let myself have as much time as possible to move into that area of my life if that's where I'm to go. The Penny Cafe at home wants comedy and I think I can do that, rather than the seedy clubs around Seattle. I would like to do the comedy thing MY way and however that works, is fine with me. I don't have to perform for drunk people. I feel like doing comedy is also part of my power...fully stepping into that comedic voice...that is also the voice of the "cemented 2nd Chakra." It's a part of me that I really don't give FULL voice to. I am funny when I have to be, or at parties, but really, to use that tool more often, to get into deeper places inside, is really integral. I need to let it in when people compliment, telling me I'm funny, or better yet, laughing. I'm good. It's okay to own that.
So I felt really good after last night. And I actually felt like a true leader last night, stepping up into my light. And even when I try not to lead, somehow I end up doing it. If I can just accept that, and lead more willingly, I won't have such a hard time with it. Good to know all this before I get home, before I start working on my community.
7 more days here. This has definitely been the best experience of my life. I am so eager to get back here, to stay and write for a while, hang out with people I have connected to, etc. I am also eager to make my community at home inclusive of my community here...there's just a lot of connections that are so strong that it would be silly to leave them here.

On other notes, a few people have asked me if I am having a "Coming Home" party...I hadn't really thought about it that much, but it sounds like a good idea. I am excited to share some writing, and my slides, and see people I have been away from for so long. I was thinking December 21st (Solstice). Nothing concrete yet. I want to get home (Dec. 10th) before I make definite plans. I'm hopefully going to Spokane right after I get home to see my family, share slides, etc. I will be spending the holidays in Seattle though. Those are my basic plans. How weird to be thinking about all this right now. I feel like I have been away for so long. I came here the end of August and already the end of December is on my mind.

I have one more qtr. left before I graduate. I graduate (with black cap and gown!!) on June 13th, there will be a huge party (I will be sharing my writing, comedy, and there might even be dancing) and I hope everyone can come. It has been a very long process, but I know that every person in my life has had a hand in that process and I want to celebrate that and also show everyone my DEGREE CERTIFICATE. Yeah!

Okay, it's 9am, way past my breakfast time. One more week and this blog will forever be archived...:)

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Today is our Egotistical Talent Extravaganza...I am listening to my friend Tom play his guitar on a CD he made of himself...I am thinking about this past semester, how we have one more week here, and then we all head off in different directions, to seek the rest of our lives. My heart and throat are choked matter how many times I cry before I go, I still have more tears. It's strange to watch myself begin to leave here. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically packing my things, holding each one nostalgically in my heart, fingering each memory to make sure I have it all. I know I can't really do that though. There will be things I will forget, things that I didn't even know were important and they will hit me when I am sitting in my living room one day when I'm 50, and watching my own kids grow up. That's how life unfolds. It only makes sense that I won't be able to take it all in now, so much has changed! Even now, in retrospect, I cannot see "Findhorn" yet...I can only see what's ahead of me. How my life has been irreversibly altered by my time here, and how my heart and mind have moved into a place that I have always dreamed of, but could never get to on my own. That's an important part to emphasize. I came here all island, not "needing" anybody. And I am leaving here so closely connected to my community I cannot tell where I stop and they begin. I used to be afraid of that...because I was afraid of what I would have to look at inside of myself. But now I see that I too am a reggae ballerina, a farmer, an artist, a scientist, a musician, a dancer. All parts of me I have longed for and were waiting for me here at Findhorn. I have been able to be witnessed as well as witnessing myself, which is such a gift. For all the shit that happened here, and all the complaining and trials, it has been more than a transformation for me. I got to feel my power, full force.

Yesterday in Psych. class I looked at one of my body's symptoms of pain...and I became that pain, bearing down on me. It took so much energy to hold myself back, to render myself immobile. And my feet want to move forward and so does my head and heart, but I have cemented down my 2nd chakra, in defiance and rage, because I haven't yet let myself fully feel my power. But I have learned here that my playing small does not serve the world...and after seeing how much energy it takes to keep myself down, I realize that that energy can be better used to stay in my convictions, and be fully in my power. I have made excuses, and projected dissent onto others, all in attempts to stay in my "place." And all the while my body is fighting to move on, to become who I am, to make a difference (at least in myself!), and to change the world through that difference. So after identifying with the rage and stubbornnes, I'm letting it go, so that I can have my power come through full force.
Hey blog is coming to an end. I will be home in 2 weeks. Whoa. I am listening to the song a friend of mine wrote is burned into my mind as the theme song of this semester. I can't possibly wrap up my experience here with any sort of piece...there are many that signify my growth, most of them I've written here.
I have come to so many places in myself, here...I am excited to come home, to start my reacquaintance with Seattle, to commit to living there and helping Seattle grow and change, as I hope Seattle helps me grow and change.
It's interesting how time and space, two intangible things, can change so much of my life. I am thankful it doesn't take a wrecking ball or dynamite. Water carved the Grand Canyon, so there.
Our talent show is tomorrow. I am really excited. I am excited to get on stage, be funny, share with my community here, and start getting closure on this experience.
I anticipate a lot of loss as I pack to leave, but I am excited that what I have gained has exceeded that which I will lose. I have found my voice here...not just my writing voice, but I have found a piece of me that has been silenced for a long time and I am excited to share that with everyone when I get home. It's less about having more to say, and more about having less to say. :) I am really excited about starting my community when I return, about gathering with my loved ones more, about eating good organic food, about speaking up about things that concern me, about telling the truth. I had no idea what I would find here, but I am so glad that on top of all the external things, I learned about the internal ones.
I have learned about unconditional love, and conflict and speaking up and stepping into my power, and standing up for what I feel (more than what I believe!)...and I have learned about laughter and fun and how they must go hand in hand with seriousness and tears, every time. I have also learned that change is scary but so beautiful, if I am awake enough.
I have learned about what home really means, what belonging really means, and how it's more a choice than anything else.
I have missed Seattle a lot, and will equally miss Findhorn.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

I hate that I can't read my last blog when I type the new one. Hey, everyone, sorry about the speed of these...I have a lot of writing due now and I've been told that it's not good for me to sit so long in front of the computer. It's funny, but when my computer is being used, I feel like I have nowhere to sit in the living room. It's like my "special chair." Hmm.

I had a kickass time in creative writing as you might imagine. I wrote a lot of stuff that I am hoping to share when I get back, and even more than that, I would even love to submit some of it. I know I will use it in my portfolio for school as well. I got into a place where almost everything I wrote was making me cry. I spose living here for a few months, being comfortable with my emotional process and such, and the supportiveness of my group all aided me in being able to cut right through to my heart on the page. It was so great.

On a different note, I've been getting a real taste for the outside world the last few days. I came to Findhorn to find an ecotopia of sorts, something magical and safe and good. And for the most part, I have found that. But along with the light comes the shadow of course, and this community has its fair share. I no longer see Findhorn on the pedestal and I am eager to come home and begin work on creating the community I want to live in...and I am also happy to note that there will be shadow everywhere, and I hope this awareness will help me in my own community.

I remember writing all about my frustration with my group here, how it's hard to be who I am at times, etc, and I think that over time, that has definitely changed. I feel so close to all the people here...I am really sad about leaving and going back to my side of the country. I know there are ideas of people moving west, but there is something special about being here, that can't be duplicated in a few visits back home. I am glad we have that though. My group has been so amazing, despite all the frustration. It always works that way, doesn't it? I am even going to miss having a roommate (I know! Can you believe it?). I have felt really loved here, and I am better about allowing that love in. I understand now how hard it has been for me to do that, and here, I can't even help it...they just bulldoze me with love and I must comply. :)
I am trying to start getting the slide show together for our final sharing. It will be sad and cool and intense for sure. Can't wait.

Art class this week has been interesting. I can't really get into it that much, but I have noticed that art is finally more about emotion and body movement, rather than technique and detail. I really like knowing that I have access to that part of me.

My book club is starting to read "A Language Older Than Words" and if anyone has a copy they want to lend me when I return, that would be great.

Okay, I know this has been brief and possibly repetitive ( my spelling is quickly declining) and I hope to maybe include a few pieces of my writing soon...

Friday, November 07, 2003

I've had a really good day today. Slow. Careful. Warm. Thoughtful. I have had a lot of interesting conversations with people. I like to hear what people have to say about things because it gives me the chance to check my opinions out in public. I can see where the holes are, where I feel strong in my convictions. We had an interesting dinner. Lots of good food tonight. Jocelyn is in Belfast, which is great, since she was really keen on traveling alone, but I miss her. Although, I do feel that I am connecting with everyone differently than I have been recently. I was talking about energy work today...and feeling somewhat shy about how kooky it sounds to other people, but I realized that if I believe in it, then it doesn't matter what other people think. And to fully step into my belief of it feels better and makes more sense.
So let's talk more in depth...I have been here for 2 months now...which is really cool...and in that time I have been fully myself...fully funny, fully immersed in my writing, fully at peace with my healing skills. And the more I get into those things, the better I feel. And people have said I should write, I should do stand-up, I should be a healer. And I feel like one. I mean, I feel like I have the ability to channel wisdom in certain ways. But I am wary of putting all my confidence in those things. I don't know why. I guess I thought that healers can only be certain types of people. Namely, not me. And writers are different too. And I guess, I thought comedians had to be a certain type of person as well. But if that's not the case, then tell me exactly what I am doing here. I mean, I like all the things I do. I like them for different reasons, in different circumstances. Which is good. But I am a little confused. I know it might not be time to know what I am doing in this world exactly, and I am getting strong signals for what I already enjoy, it's just that I am uncertain where to go first. Healing is really important to me. I do know that I have a skill and even though I am not trained, I know there is value in the healing I do. I am scared of the lack of training...I am scared of the responsibility, of the possible inaccuracy, of not being believed. Drat. Those are the same fears I have about writing and maybe comedy too.


I hope to write one of my creative writing papers on belonging. Kinda like what I wrote about earlier. We have to pick something from our journal and then we also have to do just a simple piece of writing...I have one in mind. Man, I love writing.
Hi ho, Kermit the Frog here for a flash-breaking newsstory...lunar eclipse! Change in consciousness! Saturday night! Harmonic Convergence! So exciting...I already feel a changing of the consciousness, but maybe that's cause I just got up. The weekend approaches and for once I will probably be here all weekend long. Scary. I haven't done that much. I like being able to go someplace else. I realize that with the completion of this weekend, there will only be 4 weeks left. Not a lot of time to write 3 papers, a comedy routine, find out how to graduate from Antioch, visit places outside Findhorn, come up with an awesome slide show, have a social life, and sleep and eat at regular intervals. Although, I am finding it very hard to stress out here. It does feel like finals week at AIS a bit. Grr. Maybe I am finding it much easier to stress out now.

I think the things will come together because they always do in the end, but the impending stress of that is still no fun. Creative writing class ends this week. I am torn about posting the pieces here as I'm not sure everyone wants to read them...but I am happy to share them. I find that I have been able to access my emotions pretty quick here. I have written emotional stuff before, but I usually don't break down in class. It's an interesting thing to do. Esp. while I am writing. I have written lots of things that I am quite proud of and have committed to polishing a few of the pieces and submitting them. Where, is another question. But I have some ideas back at home.

Another weird thing is that I am getting strong feelings about comedy, writing, and healing...not the combination of them, but as career moves. There is enough room here for me to do all of those, and pretty well considering, and lots of people have said I should look into being a writer, or a healer, or a comedian. Which of course I have...I mean, I want all of those, but which one first? They all seem to pour out of me at once, or with this crazy synergistic movement...and I want to be employed when I get home...doing what? I can't see clearly enough to be able to write, heal, or be funny for money and so I am stuck again. Not to mention, I want to be working on the community front and that isn't paid either. I would tell myself to have more faith and relax, but that's hard to believe. So there's that.

Being here at Findhorn has definitely shined the floodlight on me in many respects but now I'm a bit blinded...boy, am I crafty with the metaphor or what? Ha ha.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Man oh man. O K. Let's see. It feels like there's a lot to write about when really, I've just been writing a lot in general and I am in what some term "the flow." For the life of me I can't spell the name of this great author who writes on Flow (hold on, now I gotta go and find it) Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (try pronouncing THAT). I have decided that it is a good idea for me to keep up some sort of practice, even if I take beginning writing classes (only if I have no other options, of course). There is something about the structure of class, homework, audience, voice, etc. Who would've guessed that the girl who has dropped out of so many schools because of their oppressing structure and rules, now finds comfort and even excitement in structure and guidelines. Hmm.

Anyway, the writing has been going really well. I am accessing part of me that I rarely do, mostly because the space is so safe and I am in touch with really deep, intense parts of me here at Findhorn. I rarely cry when I least, I don't cry when I write in class and I have cried plenty in this class. I wrote about the morning I herniated a disk in yoga class, the way my grandparents' house smells, my talk with a man who reminds me of a friend at home, how I felt as a banana in a still life painting...I even wrote about my weird obsession with J Crew models...and I have so many other ideas. Writing a lot makes me feel more creative and I think I actually am. I've been writing at least 4-5 hours a day. I miss homework and papers...I know, who am I, wanting more homework?

Can't believe I will be graduating on June 13th...oh, save the date...that's when you will see me wearing that infamous gown and square hat. I'll be wearing it all day because damnit, I am so proud of myself. School ends in March but I really need that walking ceremony to make it official.

Back to writing...I had this great chat with a friend of mine who works in PR yesterday and it is still with me. Just making connections to people has been a great experience. It's funny but I like meeting people one at a time, and connecting with them on interesting feels more natural. I think I do that everywhere I go. I go out of my way to make our interaction uniqe and precious because if I am not going to be best friends with them, I still want to be authentic and open myself up. And some people are only in my life for mere moments and those moments are important to me as well. I have felt a little weird about not 'loving' every single person I meet right away, but I figure that it would be insincere to feign interest when we have nothing that's obviously in common. So I honor that part in me that has these smaller interactions with people here. I am making connections to individuals one at a time and it feels good. I feel committed to our interaction and yet, I haven't spread myself thin.

I had a great visit with my parents. I feel that our relationship is definitely changing. I feel more like an adult and I feel more heard than ever before. I remember when they were here at Findhorn and I was talking to them in their bed and breakfast and I have no idea what was so funny but the three of us burst into hysterical felt so warm and family-like. Like I always want my family to feel, anyway. And when I said goodbye to them in Edinburgh, I was actually sad to have to go...this Findhorn place is blowing my heart and mind wide open, I tell ya.

On the flip side I realize how important it is to me to feel connected to home right now. I know that it's hard to write all the time, keeping everyone updated, but similarly, it's hard to also feel responsible for all the contact. I am excited when I get emails and paper letters and am pretty emotional when I get them because I remember that I have a home to go to, that people love me, that even though the world still turns when I am gone, that I will have a place when I come home. And I know that other relationships are changing because I am away as well. It's all interesting to see how things change when there is distance. Although I can forsee quite a lot of culture shock, I also don't fear it. Hopefully some things have become habits. Well, I do hope that I can go back to looking left right left before I cross the street.

Okay, I gotta go and read some more...too much writing isn't safe. :) I love being a writer for sure though.